Thursday, October 6, 2011

The Hoboken Chainsaw Mouse-acre

I think of this video, music, and laugh every time a mouse has died in our apartment. I honestly think that I've lost my mind when it comes to mice. Now, before I go on with this blog, for all of you mouse enthusiasts out there, I want you to have 29 mice show up in your apartment in a matter of 9 months, let them shit on your stove and counter top multiple times a day, and then still try and tell me with a straight face that you enjoy mice. It can't be done. I refuse to believe it. Now lemme just say in this first paragraph, I LOVE animals. But I have lost a great deal of respect and love for the mouse community. A part of me is happy that most of them are used as snake food and now any time I think of Mickey Mouse, my left eye twitches. So, fuck mice.

Now some of you may say, "well Adam, why don't you tell your landlord about the mouse rape?" Well reader, we have. And we shouldn't really have to, because our apartment and building is to be exterminated the first Saturday of every month. And guess what, we've lived here for about 2 years, and that has happened, MAYBE twice. So a spray a year makes perfect sense, right?! You see, we rent from a place called Applied Housing. And their slogan is something along the lines of, "Luxury living at affordable prices." But I think it's time for them to update their slogan...their old one seems kinda dated to me. So if Applied management is reading this, here are two options for new slogans. "Applied Housing : Good Luck, fuckers" or "Applied Housing : Office Hours Optional." Pick one...because they both fit your company perfectly.

I'm sorry. This blog isn't supposed to be about bashing an incompetent group of slum lords. This blog is about The Hoboken Chainsaw Mouse-acre. I've lost my mind. I already typed that...but only someone who truly lost their mind would type that twice...I think? I'm going off the rails of a crazy train, is that what it is?! Yes. Yes it is. 29 mice in 9 months. Why don't we get a cat!? Well, I'm allergic. If I wasn't allergic, I would be breeding a Black Ops Cat Team to take care of these little pricks. Why not use poison!? Well, we did that. And my roommate spilled the poison all over her room, then Muttley ate some, and $600 later, we are now forced to go old school. The 94 cent wooden snapping mouse traps. But why not have a little fun with it?

And so, it began.

Mouse #29 - Decided to go into a shopping bag filled with candy and eat my Hershey Cookies and Cream bar. No. Access denied. So, with a swift grab, I spun the bag shut, and slammed it up against the wall multiple times. The real travesty was the Hershey bar could not be salvaged. We will never forget.

Mouse #18 - Caught on a glue trap, and while still alive, was dunked into our toilet, while I yelled, "TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT ME"...granted, if he's dead, he won't be able to tell anyone anything. So he better be good at delivering signs to his family from beyond the grave.

Mouse #7 - Caught in an old school wooden trap, and just wouldn't die. This was before we hit double digits in the mouse genocide, so I felt some sympathy for this one. I took an empty Pringles can, filled it up with water, and let him drown.

Mouse #27 - Decided that it was a good idea to sneak around in my room. Not on my watch. I slowly walk towards him and as I locked eyes with him, he was frozen in fear. As if he finally saw the urban legend that he had heard about down at the mouse pub come to life. A quick slam of a shoe to his stupid cranium quickly allowed him to meet his maker.

Mouse #28 - A roommate broke one of my favorite glasses recently. And rather than get upset, I decided that this was a beautiful opportunity to improvise and build something MacGyver. A MacGyver of mouse homicide. So I took the shards of broken glass and strategically placed them in some peanut butter, then set the old school mouse traps around the apartment. Mouse #28 wasn't caught on a mouse trap; however, all the peanut butter was gone, so one can assume that he chowed down on glass chunky peanut butter and it nicked his garbage filled intestines and he internally bled all over his stupid organs.

Mouse #14 - One thing that I've come to love in Hoboken is Molfetta's chicken bacon ranch pizza. Believe it or not, it's a close 2nd behind Pizza Wagon, which is saying ALOT. So if there's one thing that these mice do not want to get in between it's me and chicken bacon ranch pizza. One bold and brave soul decided that he was going to dive right into our pizza box and chow down. I think not. A closed pizza box + held out the window of a 5 story apartment building + mixed with the consumption of a little bit of alcohol = a mouse committing suicide and leaping to his death. Mighty mouse my ass. Suck it.

So where does this leave us now? A strange invention known as Pest Offense plugged into our wall. Apparently, this little gizmo sends out some kind of signal throughout the walls and it causes the mice to lose their minds and move somewhere else. The only downside? It takes 2 weeks for results to be seen. But what happens in those 2 weeks? All the mice that are around will come out from the behind their wall forts. Pest Offense was plugged in on Monday, and by Tuesday morning, 3 mice have come out to meet their makers. And now, as I type this blog, we have a grand total of 34 mice casualties.

So now, you are invested in this are an accomplice, along with all the mouse traps. All with their own names. Grave Digger, The Undertaker, Mouse-acre, Medusa, & Bowser.

If, and when, we catch Mouse #50. It will be placed in a giant box, wrapped with beautiful wrapping paper, a giant red bow, and placed on the doorstep of Applied Housing Company...oh wait, I guess that won't really accomplish anything. Their office hours are optional.

Until then, let the bodies hit the floor...I bet you never thought that I had a dark side like this. Frankly, I blame the shit on my stove. Maybe that's what threw all these psychotic murderous lunatics off the deep end to kill? Freddy Kreuger, Leatherface, Casey Anthony...the list is endless.