I've been a wrestling fan for awhile now. Frankly, it's the one last thing that I have from my childhood that I still try to hold onto. I don't know if it's because I've become jaded or have simply grown up, but I'm starting to become convinced that I should "future endeavor" the WWE from my Monday night routine.
Monday Night Raw celebrated it's 1,000th episode tonight. Something that has never been done for a "weekly episodic" program...believe me, I know. They've shoved it down our throats for years.
"HEY WWE UNIVERSE, DID YOU KNOW THAT THE SIMPSONS, SEINFELD, & THE NBA AIN'T GOT SHIT ON US!"
So of course with the 1,000th episode approaching, the WWE began to hype it up for one of the most historic, monumental, unforgettable nights the WWE FANS, would ever see with a 3 hour long extravaganza!!
Wait a minute. WWE Legends are gonna be there?? People that we grew up with and watched over the years!!?
Stone Cold Steve Austin???
MAE YOUNG'S HAND SON!!!!!!!!
Odds are, if you've read this far, you're a wrestling fan and want to actually read this. I should also assume that you know what's going on in the current storylines. If you don't, then this is going to be one helluva confusing read for you.
We started the night with the DX reunion! The dynamic duo of HBK & Triple H were FINALLY joined by The New Age Outlaws & a very winded X-Pac. Now, considering that we had the DX reunion (w Triple H included) & Brock Lesnar's response to Triple H's challenge at Summerslam lined up for the night, the creative & logical thing to do would be combine these 2 segments into one. First of all, I dunno who is craving for a Triple H/Brock Lesnar match. There isn't even a real feud here. But yet, WWE makes sure to show us video recaps of shit that happened months prior with Triple H, Lesnar, & the only entertaining part of the mix, Paul Heyman. Secondly, considering that there is no real steam for this "big ol' fight" wouldn't it be smart for DX to be firing up the crowd, having a good ol' time, only to have Brock Lesnar ruin the party and completely decimate DX?? Wouldn't that create some actual heat for Lesnar? Something everyone has been waiting for, the entire DX Army (minus Chyna's man jaw), to be beaten down by one war machine, Brock Lesnar. Cause you know, who is supposed to take Lesnar serious? He got beat by Cena a couple months ago, then "quit." Lesnar's credibility and character has been driven into the ground...and Triple H is going to make sure the tombstone is put into place come Summerslam.
I'm so happy that Mae Young's Hand Son made an appearance. Cause I would often find myself watching Monday Night Raw thinking, 'Hmmm, I hope Mae Young's Hand Son is doing okay. I wonder if he ever made it into community college?' Those are the ridiculous and unfunny segments that WWE comes up with that makes it really difficult for me to defend wrestling when I'm talking about it to normal people.
And when the fuck did Raw become QVC with Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler!!?!!? The product placement made me want to throw a brick through my television.
"HOLY HELL, SONIC IS HERE DELIVERING SOME TATOR TOTS AND MILKSHAKES. MMMMM!"
"BRAWLING BUDDIES ARE BEING HANDED OUT! MINE TALKS!!"
Hey assholes, I remember when they were called Wrestling Buddies. Don't try and fake me out.
"LET'S TALK TO CHARLIE SHEEN 8 TIMES TONIGHT TO TRY AND SHOW THE WORLD THAT THE WWE IS STILL RELEVANT!"
"OH YEAH, AND DON'T FORGET WWE UNIVERSE...TOUT! TOUT! TOUT! TOUT! TOUT! TOUT!"
Hey everybody! JR is back!!!!!!!!!! Annnnnnnnnd, now he's gone. Tout. Why!!? Jim Ross made me actually give a shit about Sheamus in a matter of 2mins. He also made Alberto Del Rio sound like an actual contender based off his hunger for gold in a matter of 30 seconds.
You guys remember when Jack Swagger was World Champion? Neither does WWE Creative.
Speaking of champions, The Miz won the Intercontinental Championship. And frankly, I wasn't too confident in The Miz, especially considering the way Bret "The Hitman" Hart (the man who has the charisma of a fire hydrant) introduced him before the match. "AND CHRISTIAN'S OPPONENT...ehh, Miz?" It came off as disrespectful and dickish.
I dunno, maybe I'm being the definition of "a mark" right now. But it angers me that a show that I've watched for so long has gotten worse and worse. Again, I dunno if it's because I'm finally growing up...or if it's because WWE just doesn't care anymore.
I mean, they have to care, right?? That's why the CEO of a billion dollar corporation would put an unstable teenage girl in charge of his flagship show, right!? I mean, we've had William Regal, Teddy Long, Vickie, Ric Flair, Paul Heyman, Eric Bishoff, Stephanie McMahon...hell, even Mike Adamle, John Laurinaitis, and a laptopping leprechaun! A mentally unstable teenage girl is the perfect choice! What the hell was that job interview like!!?
Vince - "AJ, I think you could be General Manager of Raw, what do you think??"
AJ - "Pokemon & silly bands!"
Vince - "You're hired."
Oh, by the way, The Muppets had more screen time than Stone Cold Steve Austin. That's right. The man that revolutionized Monday Night Raw didn't even show up. Maybe Austin has been watching the show & didn't wanna be a part of the shit show. I know how they could've used him though. Stone Cold Steve Austin could've been the huge payoff for The Heath Slater Anti-Legend Killer Variety Hour. But nope-a-dope, we got Lita instead...surrounded by the goon squad barrage we've already seen in the upcoming weeks leading into Raw 1000. Rikishi & Doink, I still love you both though.
So maybe I'm bitter. Maybe this post is just a bunch of random thoughts strung together. Or maybe WWE just doesn't have that same magic that it did when we were younger. Monday Night Raw used to be the cool thing to do. You'd watch it, stay up late, and then talk about what Stone Cold Steve Austin drove into the arena or mimic The Rock the next day at school. Maybe there aren't characters that are as captivating as Austin, Rock, Undertaker, Angle, Jericho, Kane, etc.
As fans, we know the ins and outs. We start to get smart with WWE's booking and know the outcome of things before WWE does. (I.E. CM Punk's heel turn is going to end by being fed to John Cena) We've always known that it's fake. But it was still entertaining.
Tonight's 1,000th episode was supposed to be historic. And it was, a historic letdown. I can't imagine how angry I would've felt if this was a PPV and I had to shell out $60 to watch it.
And now, we go into a new era of Raw being 3 hours every week. If tonight was a glimpse of what every 3 hour episode is going to be like, well...
"Adam Lucidi has come to terms on the release of World Wrestling Entertainment. He wishes them all the best in their future endeavors."