Friday, February 19, 2010

It's A Me!

So after talking about the great movie that is known as Space Jam, I figured that I wanted to keep this series up and talk about things from yesteryear. So in this blog, I want to talk about quite possibly one of the worst movies ever created...The Super Mario Brothers Movie.

First of all, if you haven't seen this movie......don't. Now, any one and EVERY one has played the Super Mario Brothers game...whether it be the original, one for the Super Nintendo, Mario Kart, or ANY Mario Party (which has the potential to ruin friendships). A lot of us have grown up on Nintendo and know what the deal is with the Mario Brothers. Two brothers, who are plumbers, who always have to save the Princess from King Koopa (or Bowser). Now, this might just be some nerdom talking, but the only thing that was "Mario-like" about that movie, was the fact that they were called The Mario Brothers. That wasn't Bowser, that wasn't Princess Peach, and that sure as shit wasn't the Mushroom Kingdom. First of all, where is Toad? Where's Yoshi? OH! They're there. But Toad is a regular guy and Yoshi is an actual dinosaur....not a cartoony dinosaur...he's a gawd damned Jurassic Park like dinosaur. And look at the cast...John Leguizamo as Luigi and Dennis Hopper as King, if only the internet in 1993 was as popular as it is today, we would have had a lot of angry petitions and blogs about how shitty this movie was shaping up to be. Take a look at this random, fan made video I found on YouTube...

Now THAT is Mario! Granted, those are all clips from the various sports games that Mario has played throughout the years, but that is what a Mario movie should look like. That kind of Mario movie would have had all the characteristics and quality of an actual Mario movie. It dumbfounds me that The Mario Brothers hasn't been "rebooted" in some way. But NOOOOOO, let's reboot Spiderman, we just created THAT in 2004, so it's probably about time for a reboot, right? Fuck no.

I think the reason(s) that I am offended at the fact that this movie exists, proves 2 things....1) I am a nerd...and 2) If you're going to make a movie about something that EVERYONE knows what it's about, and knows at least a general idea of what the story is all about, don't make a movie that is the complete opposite of that. That would be like me deciding that I wanted to write a movie about Goldy Locks and The Three Bears....but instead of bears, I used a Jewish family, and gave them the last name "Bear"...or Bearman. Then I decided to put the story in a small town in Atlanta. Then I cast Dakota Fanning as Goldy Locks...and not young Dakota Fanning, I'm talking about the teen sized Dakota Fanning, with her messed up teeth and how she looks like she eats dirt on a constant basis. So after deciding that I wanted to write that movie, I put the name "Goldy Locks and The Three Bears" title on, and BAM! Of course people are going to like it, right?! It's Goldy Locks and The Three Bears....wait, no it isn' all.

The Super Mario Brothers movie falls into the same category as that piece of shit movie, The Village. Now don't get me wrong, it was a decent movie, but I remember seeing previews for it and thinking that it was going to be pretty scary...but no, the movie was just marketed that way. I didn't know that the movie was going to be about a bunch of Oakies running around falling in love and being blind...I thought it was going to be about these huge pig monsters that terrorized a village...of a bunch of Oakies.

Well, I think if stand-up doesn't work out for me, I could at least make a living out of blogging about movies (both good and shitty) from yesteryear.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Whatta Maroon...

Now see, I told myself that I was going to show this thing some more love...and I don't. What is wrong with me?!

Well, I think I'm posting because I had a really good idea (or at least it sounded like a good idea in my head)...and that is, I've noticed that bloggers can write about ANYTHING. Usually, ANYTHING is a current event or something that is going on in the blogger's life at the time. Well I wanna do something a little different, and take you for a stroll on Nostalgic Lane. Tonight, I wanna blog about the movie Space Jam.

That's right...Space Jam, starring Bugs Bunny and Michael Jordan........yeah, I said Space Jam.

So before I talk about Space Jam, lemme talk about my feelings on The Looney Tunes in their most recent film, "The Looney Tunes: Back in Action." Fuck that movie.

Now, onto Space Jam. I can actually remember seeing this movie in the theaters with my cousins and sitting in the 2nd row. Now for those of you who don't remember, or are just an ignorant bastard and never saw this movie, here is the rundown...These aliens (The Nerdlucks and their boss, Swackhammer, voiced by Danny DeVito) run an amusement park on Mars, called Moron Mountain. Now Moron Mountain seems like a fun place, but they are missing something. Swackhammer knows that his amusement park sucks, and gets the idea to bring The Looney Tunes to Moron Mountain as the main attraction. So The Nerdlucks head to Earth to bring The Looney Tunes back to Moron Mountain, and of course The Looney Tunes don't wanna go...I mean, I don't blame them...they have a good thing going on here on Earth (even though now, there's a whole generation of kids who might never know who they are...which scares me) OH! By the way, while this whole "Nerdluck trying to kidnap The Looney Tunes" thing is going on, Michael Jordan retires from basketball, tries playing baseball, sucks at it, befriends Bill Murray and gets an assistant, which is Newman...but who really cares about that side plot.

So to make a long story short (too late)...The Looney Tunes challenge the Nerdlucks to a basketball game, The Nerdlucks steal basketball skills from NBA players, The Looney Tunes kidnap Michael Jordan through a golf ball hole, and face the, I mean The Monstars, at a basketball game.......I know, what great writing!

Now back to actually seeing the movie. I was always a fan of The Looney Tunes. Thankfully, my family loved them and introduced them to me as a kid. But I remember sitting and watching this movie in the theater without a care in the, I knew that Bugs and the gang would win the big game, but I honestly had nothing else to worry about except sitting and enjoying that movie with my cousins. What great times. I still consider myself a kid at heart, but things are so different now, as far as responsibilities, chasing my dream, and blah blah blah.

But I digress...lets take a look at one of the greatest animated/live action movies ever created. That's right, I said it. Who Framed Roger Rabbit and Space Jam are probably two of the best, if not, THE ONLY two best animated/live action movies ever...especially Who Framed Roger Rabbit being in the 80's. Now don't get me wrong, I'm all about special effects and computer animation, Pixar, and everything....but they just don't make movies like these anymore. I understand that everyone wants 3D, flashy computer animation, and CGI bullshit....but c'mon, why can't we just crank out a few more animated/live action movies??

Well, there's an easy answer for that question....that's because Hollywood feels like rebooting franchises (that don't need to be rebooted, like Spiderman, Friday the 13th, Halloween, Nightmare on Elm Street) and writing shitty movies that had to do with old (but awesome) and obsolete television shows (A-Team, GI Joe, Bewitched, Miami Vice, The Dukes of Hazard, etc.) But at the same time, there have been a select FEW movies made from a television series that are actually watchable and enjoyable (The Flinstones, The Beverly Hillbillies, Get Smart, The Addams Family, The Brady least in my opinion)

All I'm saying, is that Hollywood isn't original anymore. Everything has been done pretty much. Original movies are few and far between anymore...everything is a remake, reboot, a best selling book, a television series, etc. AND QUITE FRANKLY, it's pissing me off.

I mean, c' least Space Jam gave us Lola Bunny.