Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Welp, it's me again...

I dunno why I can't be disciplined with this damn blog. I mean, I should WANT to write in this thing whenever I want...but I don't. At least an entry a week would be easy, right?! I think there's that feeling of, 'who would read it anyway?' To be honest, I have no idea if anyone really does...nor cares. The fact is, I've learned to use this blog as an outlet for whatever I'm feeling that I can't really express in person. Which is odd, I'm a comedian. I should be able to express any kind of feeling through speaking, whether it be anger, happiness, or bitterness. Who knows. All I know is that it was time to fire up the ol' blog again for something that has been bothering me once again. Because this time around, no one can give me insight or advice. I feel like I'm on my own for this one. So sit back, relax, and cue up some kind of 90's music from a romantic comedy movie because this entry, is about a girl...

Honestly, as I type up this blog, my heart is beating out of my chest. Again, that shouldn't be the case for someone like me, but it is. I'm a comedian. Time heals all...and whatever time doesn't heal, laughter will help in the meantime as a nice appetizer. But that just doesn't feel like the case this time around. I know exactly why I have that feeling of anxiety lurking...its because I really care about her (insert studio audience of a sitcom 'awwe') and don't want to throw something away that has just felt so special and natural from the beginning. Before meeting her, and having everything that has happened to me with past relationships/crushes, (refer to previous blog entitled, "You Better Run For Your Fuckin' Life") I had the mind set of saying fuck everything and everyone, and just be a bitter little fuck. I was ready to stick to my guns and put up a wall and not get caught up in any bullshit. Then, out of no where, she messaged me...neither of us knew why, but it happened, and honestly, I couldn't be more happy that it happened. We went and hung out at a random bar, and it was one of the best times I've ever had just sitting and talking to someone that I pretty much just met...someone who was interesting, someone who wasn't full of shit, someone who was passionate, someone who was a dreamer, and someone who after only knowing her for 5 and a half hours, I could just look into her eyes and feel like we were saying just as much to each other in silence. The whole thing just felt right. We both knew it and felt it. Within that 24hrs, I started to take down my wall because I thought to myself, maybe all the girls that I've chased in the past just weren't the right types. They were fake and they were bitches. After that night, I knew that I wanted to keep getting to know her, hang out with her and learn more about this girl who was some kind of beautiful enigma and looked like she could beat my ass if it came down it.

So before I knew it, I was talking to her more and more and thinking about her more and more. She started doing the little things that I've always wanted in a girl that made me quickly realize that she honestly would be perfect for me. Genuinely caring and asking me about how my shows would go, coming to the shows that mattered and the ones that didn't and still enjoying them, being honest with me...things that were honestly all new to me. I didn't think it was actually happening. Did I actually have a girl that wasn't shitting all over me and taking advantage of me? Did I actually have a girl that wasn't afraid to show that she cared about me? It wasn't just me putting in all the work. Wait, what?! When did that ever happen!? I've always been the one fighting an uphill battle and once I would make it halfway, those Hammer Brothers from Mario would be lobbing hammers down at me just to make sure I didn't make it to the top. It was both of us caring for each other, taking an honest and actual interest in each others' lives, which is what relationships are all about, right? She warned me about how her schedule was always hectic, and yet, she still said that she wanted to make time to see me...not because she had to, because she wanted to...she liked being around me. Hell, that was even new for me, especially after being on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. Then after getting deeper, I started to see how her schedule was actually wearing her down, but it never stopped her from calling me or texting me to talk about it all. I wanted to keep her from going insane because I cared about her, so I did whatever I could to give her a sense of solace, whether that be trying to make her laugh, lend an ear to vent to, cook her dinner, or send her flowers to let her know that no matter what was happening in this shit ass world, that she still had someone out there that was willing to show her how I actually felt about her and show her that she truly does deserve happiness...even if it meant that happiness came from macaroni and beans.

The whole thing that we were doing was unconventional and didn't go in the order that usual relationships do, which was totally fine with me. Scary for me? Kinda. Scary for her? Uh-huh. I was scared at times, but it didn't change the way I feel about her at all. I'm one to always get in my own head and second guess myself, but it started to seem like that sense of self consciousness was fading. Mainly because I feel comfortable and real with her. I never had to put on 'the act' that most people do when they are just getting to know someone. Everyone has 'an act.' People tend to focus more on 'the act' and worrying about impressing the person they are with than actually being themselves and getting down to the nitty gritty of what makes them tick. And there I was, being totally vulnerable. I don't know how she got things out of me, but it just comes so naturally. Thoughts, events and secrets that usually take months to get out of people ended up coming out in a matter of days. Me being a wrestling fan (and a former backyard wrestler) didn't even cause her to muster the slightest ounce of judgement. Again, new to me. No judgement?? I just blurted out that I backyard wrestled during high school AND some of college and what did she do? After an lol, she gave an excited little smirk and wanted to hear all about Ultimate Trampoline Wrestling.

I gotta admit (and most of my friends will agree) that when it comes to girls, I am picky. I know what I want in a girl and don't want to settle for less. I'm stubborn and know what it takes to make me happy. I can't just go hang out at a bar, pick up some random chick, hit it and quit it and chalk it up for an ego boost. I want that girl that is grateful and caring. The girl that can be sexy but awkward. The girl that is understanding and down to Earth. The girl that will allow me to stand by her side no matter what and be ready to fight for and with her. The girl that actually is a beautiful person, inside and out.

Whenever I'm with her, I honestly do feel like everything is okay and that everything WILL be okay and that the two of us together could take on anything or anyone or even oncoming traffic. We've both been on the shitty end of bad relationships and of course after awhile it takes its toll on our self esteem, character and feelings. But I don't think that means when something does come along that feels right and truly makes you happy, you should panic and abandon ship. Embrace it, enjoy it, and accept it. No one is perfect. But at times, we come across someone who is perfect for us.