Thursday, October 6, 2011

The Hoboken Chainsaw Mouse-acre

I think of this video, music, and laugh every time a mouse has died in our apartment. I honestly think that I've lost my mind when it comes to mice. Now, before I go on with this blog, for all of you mouse enthusiasts out there, I want you to have 29 mice show up in your apartment in a matter of 9 months, let them shit on your stove and counter top multiple times a day, and then still try and tell me with a straight face that you enjoy mice. It can't be done. I refuse to believe it. Now lemme just say in this first paragraph, I LOVE animals. But I have lost a great deal of respect and love for the mouse community. A part of me is happy that most of them are used as snake food and now any time I think of Mickey Mouse, my left eye twitches. So, fuck mice.

Now some of you may say, "well Adam, why don't you tell your landlord about the mouse rape?" Well reader, we have. And we shouldn't really have to, because our apartment and building is to be exterminated the first Saturday of every month. And guess what, we've lived here for about 2 years, and that has happened, MAYBE twice. So a spray a year makes perfect sense, right?! You see, we rent from a place called Applied Housing. And their slogan is something along the lines of, "Luxury living at affordable prices." But I think it's time for them to update their slogan...their old one seems kinda dated to me. So if Applied management is reading this, here are two options for new slogans. "Applied Housing : Good Luck, fuckers" or "Applied Housing : Office Hours Optional." Pick one...because they both fit your company perfectly.

I'm sorry. This blog isn't supposed to be about bashing an incompetent group of slum lords. This blog is about The Hoboken Chainsaw Mouse-acre. I've lost my mind. I already typed that...but only someone who truly lost their mind would type that twice...I think? I'm going off the rails of a crazy train, is that what it is?! Yes. Yes it is. 29 mice in 9 months. Why don't we get a cat!? Well, I'm allergic. If I wasn't allergic, I would be breeding a Black Ops Cat Team to take care of these little pricks. Why not use poison!? Well, we did that. And my roommate spilled the poison all over her room, then Muttley ate some, and $600 later, we are now forced to go old school. The 94 cent wooden snapping mouse traps. But why not have a little fun with it?

And so, it began.

Mouse #29 - Decided to go into a shopping bag filled with candy and eat my Hershey Cookies and Cream bar. No. Access denied. So, with a swift grab, I spun the bag shut, and slammed it up against the wall multiple times. The real travesty was the Hershey bar could not be salvaged. We will never forget.

Mouse #18 - Caught on a glue trap, and while still alive, was dunked into our toilet, while I yelled, "TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT ME"...granted, if he's dead, he won't be able to tell anyone anything. So he better be good at delivering signs to his family from beyond the grave.

Mouse #7 - Caught in an old school wooden trap, and just wouldn't die. This was before we hit double digits in the mouse genocide, so I felt some sympathy for this one. I took an empty Pringles can, filled it up with water, and let him drown.

Mouse #27 - Decided that it was a good idea to sneak around in my room. Not on my watch. I slowly walk towards him and as I locked eyes with him, he was frozen in fear. As if he finally saw the urban legend that he had heard about down at the mouse pub come to life. A quick slam of a shoe to his stupid cranium quickly allowed him to meet his maker.

Mouse #28 - A roommate broke one of my favorite glasses recently. And rather than get upset, I decided that this was a beautiful opportunity to improvise and build something MacGyver. A MacGyver of mouse homicide. So I took the shards of broken glass and strategically placed them in some peanut butter, then set the old school mouse traps around the apartment. Mouse #28 wasn't caught on a mouse trap; however, all the peanut butter was gone, so one can assume that he chowed down on glass chunky peanut butter and it nicked his garbage filled intestines and he internally bled all over his stupid organs.

Mouse #14 - One thing that I've come to love in Hoboken is Molfetta's chicken bacon ranch pizza. Believe it or not, it's a close 2nd behind Pizza Wagon, which is saying ALOT. So if there's one thing that these mice do not want to get in between it's me and chicken bacon ranch pizza. One bold and brave soul decided that he was going to dive right into our pizza box and chow down. I think not. A closed pizza box + held out the window of a 5 story apartment building + mixed with the consumption of a little bit of alcohol = a mouse committing suicide and leaping to his death. Mighty mouse my ass. Suck it.

So where does this leave us now? A strange invention known as Pest Offense plugged into our wall. Apparently, this little gizmo sends out some kind of signal throughout the walls and it causes the mice to lose their minds and move somewhere else. The only downside? It takes 2 weeks for results to be seen. But what happens in those 2 weeks? All the mice that are around will come out from the behind their wall forts. Pest Offense was plugged in on Monday, and by Tuesday morning, 3 mice have come out to meet their makers. And now, as I type this blog, we have a grand total of 34 mice casualties.

So now, you are invested in this are an accomplice, along with all the mouse traps. All with their own names. Grave Digger, The Undertaker, Mouse-acre, Medusa, & Bowser.

If, and when, we catch Mouse #50. It will be placed in a giant box, wrapped with beautiful wrapping paper, a giant red bow, and placed on the doorstep of Applied Housing Company...oh wait, I guess that won't really accomplish anything. Their office hours are optional.

Until then, let the bodies hit the floor...I bet you never thought that I had a dark side like this. Frankly, I blame the shit on my stove. Maybe that's what threw all these psychotic murderous lunatics off the deep end to kill? Freddy Kreuger, Leatherface, Casey Anthony...the list is endless.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Blast From The Past : "this one's for you southwest PA"

I've realized that I have a lot of entries all over the interwebs...both from Facebook and Live Journal, I know I know...I didn't think it existed anymore either. Also, if you want to check out my WebShots page, I still get emails from that from time to time...Anyways, I figured that why not put up some old entries from all these other sites and put it on the blog that matters!? So join me as we take a step back in time to when I had JUST finished moving to New Jersey, about 3 years ago.....

So I've finally put the finishing touches on the apartment here in Jersey and I began to creep around the ol' Facebook and ended up reading my note that I posted back in July about wasting time and being prepared for the unexpected...well before that and on the ride up here, I did a lot of thinking, probably more than usual...and I've concluded that there is only one thing to do to get it all out there in the open, and that is to write yet another blog...

I want to start by thanking the roommates of 217, both old tenants and new tenants, mainly for the fact that in some of my most important years of my life, you were there for me when it mattered and when it didn't...what can you say about 3-4 years of inside jokes, screaming, parties and people who became family in a matter of months? I know what I could say about it...I love you all and I thank you for being my brothers....and sister. Even though we are all on our separate paths right now, I want you to know that the same rule applies anywhere in life as it did in that door is always open, all hours of the night, for you to wander into and bullshit with me.......just make sure the monkey isn't on the door knob

Now as I finish that paragraph, a lot of you might think, "why is he doing this now? He graduated way back in May." Well yeah, but with something as big as this move is, I feel that it's necessary to acknowledge the people who supported me and was a huge part of my life in the years leading up to this move.

Speaking of thanks and being all grown up and graduated, I would like to thank everyone in the Theatre department at Cal, for not only welcoming me in with open arms when I was in college, but for allowing me to come back one more time and performing again with some of the most talented group of performers I've ever seen. Both while being at Cal and graduated, I worked with some of the most creative and talented people that I came into contact with and I wish you ALL the best of luck in everything that you do. There were more than one occasion where I felt more at home with the classes and faculty and students than I did in my own major when I went there. I thank all of you extremely talented actors and actresses for sharing laughs with me and allowing me to be apart of a department that I should have been affiliated with since day one at Cal. BAM!

While driving to New Jersey, I thought of all the love and support that I have behind me throughout this move. Both with very close friends, and by complete strangers. Strangers that I would be serving at The Goose and would wish me luck and "hope to see me soon on television" of course they aren't going to see this, but's my blog, and I can do what I want...

I'm beginning to realize that I have all these opportunities and resources at my disposal, and I couldn't be more happy and more scared at the same time...

As for all the close friends who have stuck with me through all these years, and have shared many things with me, from secrets, to inside jokes, to laughs, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the love and support that you have given me since knowing you. I now realize that my hometown is something that I will ALWAYS hold dear to my heart, no matter where I am in the country, or the world, because throughout the years, I have seen that there are amazing people in this world who will cheer for you no matter what. I know now that my family and friends are what molded me into what I am today, and as I type this "note", I want you all to know that I love you with all of my heart and will take all that love and support that you gave me through the years and wrap myself in it day after day, night after night, and performance after performance.

If I haven't said it enough yet, I love you southwest PA and I thank you for starting this journey with me, and continuing it with me by my side.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Welp, it's me again...

I dunno why I can't be disciplined with this damn blog. I mean, I should WANT to write in this thing whenever I want...but I don't. At least an entry a week would be easy, right?! I think there's that feeling of, 'who would read it anyway?' To be honest, I have no idea if anyone really does...nor cares. The fact is, I've learned to use this blog as an outlet for whatever I'm feeling that I can't really express in person. Which is odd, I'm a comedian. I should be able to express any kind of feeling through speaking, whether it be anger, happiness, or bitterness. Who knows. All I know is that it was time to fire up the ol' blog again for something that has been bothering me once again. Because this time around, no one can give me insight or advice. I feel like I'm on my own for this one. So sit back, relax, and cue up some kind of 90's music from a romantic comedy movie because this entry, is about a girl...

Honestly, as I type up this blog, my heart is beating out of my chest. Again, that shouldn't be the case for someone like me, but it is. I'm a comedian. Time heals all...and whatever time doesn't heal, laughter will help in the meantime as a nice appetizer. But that just doesn't feel like the case this time around. I know exactly why I have that feeling of anxiety lurking...its because I really care about her (insert studio audience of a sitcom 'awwe') and don't want to throw something away that has just felt so special and natural from the beginning. Before meeting her, and having everything that has happened to me with past relationships/crushes, (refer to previous blog entitled, "You Better Run For Your Fuckin' Life") I had the mind set of saying fuck everything and everyone, and just be a bitter little fuck. I was ready to stick to my guns and put up a wall and not get caught up in any bullshit. Then, out of no where, she messaged me...neither of us knew why, but it happened, and honestly, I couldn't be more happy that it happened. We went and hung out at a random bar, and it was one of the best times I've ever had just sitting and talking to someone that I pretty much just met...someone who was interesting, someone who wasn't full of shit, someone who was passionate, someone who was a dreamer, and someone who after only knowing her for 5 and a half hours, I could just look into her eyes and feel like we were saying just as much to each other in silence. The whole thing just felt right. We both knew it and felt it. Within that 24hrs, I started to take down my wall because I thought to myself, maybe all the girls that I've chased in the past just weren't the right types. They were fake and they were bitches. After that night, I knew that I wanted to keep getting to know her, hang out with her and learn more about this girl who was some kind of beautiful enigma and looked like she could beat my ass if it came down it.

So before I knew it, I was talking to her more and more and thinking about her more and more. She started doing the little things that I've always wanted in a girl that made me quickly realize that she honestly would be perfect for me. Genuinely caring and asking me about how my shows would go, coming to the shows that mattered and the ones that didn't and still enjoying them, being honest with me...things that were honestly all new to me. I didn't think it was actually happening. Did I actually have a girl that wasn't shitting all over me and taking advantage of me? Did I actually have a girl that wasn't afraid to show that she cared about me? It wasn't just me putting in all the work. Wait, what?! When did that ever happen!? I've always been the one fighting an uphill battle and once I would make it halfway, those Hammer Brothers from Mario would be lobbing hammers down at me just to make sure I didn't make it to the top. It was both of us caring for each other, taking an honest and actual interest in each others' lives, which is what relationships are all about, right? She warned me about how her schedule was always hectic, and yet, she still said that she wanted to make time to see me...not because she had to, because she wanted to...she liked being around me. Hell, that was even new for me, especially after being on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. Then after getting deeper, I started to see how her schedule was actually wearing her down, but it never stopped her from calling me or texting me to talk about it all. I wanted to keep her from going insane because I cared about her, so I did whatever I could to give her a sense of solace, whether that be trying to make her laugh, lend an ear to vent to, cook her dinner, or send her flowers to let her know that no matter what was happening in this shit ass world, that she still had someone out there that was willing to show her how I actually felt about her and show her that she truly does deserve happiness...even if it meant that happiness came from macaroni and beans.

The whole thing that we were doing was unconventional and didn't go in the order that usual relationships do, which was totally fine with me. Scary for me? Kinda. Scary for her? Uh-huh. I was scared at times, but it didn't change the way I feel about her at all. I'm one to always get in my own head and second guess myself, but it started to seem like that sense of self consciousness was fading. Mainly because I feel comfortable and real with her. I never had to put on 'the act' that most people do when they are just getting to know someone. Everyone has 'an act.' People tend to focus more on 'the act' and worrying about impressing the person they are with than actually being themselves and getting down to the nitty gritty of what makes them tick. And there I was, being totally vulnerable. I don't know how she got things out of me, but it just comes so naturally. Thoughts, events and secrets that usually take months to get out of people ended up coming out in a matter of days. Me being a wrestling fan (and a former backyard wrestler) didn't even cause her to muster the slightest ounce of judgement. Again, new to me. No judgement?? I just blurted out that I backyard wrestled during high school AND some of college and what did she do? After an lol, she gave an excited little smirk and wanted to hear all about Ultimate Trampoline Wrestling.

I gotta admit (and most of my friends will agree) that when it comes to girls, I am picky. I know what I want in a girl and don't want to settle for less. I'm stubborn and know what it takes to make me happy. I can't just go hang out at a bar, pick up some random chick, hit it and quit it and chalk it up for an ego boost. I want that girl that is grateful and caring. The girl that can be sexy but awkward. The girl that is understanding and down to Earth. The girl that will allow me to stand by her side no matter what and be ready to fight for and with her. The girl that actually is a beautiful person, inside and out.

Whenever I'm with her, I honestly do feel like everything is okay and that everything WILL be okay and that the two of us together could take on anything or anyone or even oncoming traffic. We've both been on the shitty end of bad relationships and of course after awhile it takes its toll on our self esteem, character and feelings. But I don't think that means when something does come along that feels right and truly makes you happy, you should panic and abandon ship. Embrace it, enjoy it, and accept it. No one is perfect. But at times, we come across someone who is perfect for us.