Truer words have never been spoken. If you haven't guessed by the opening quote, this blog is obviously going to be about a girl. A cute girl. An awesome girl. An awesomely cute girl that enjoys video games, zombies, wrestling, Mt. Dew, AND Taco Bell. Wait a minute...I enjoy all those things too! This should've been a perfect match, no?
Look, I'm not saying that this girl was my soulmate. I don't even think the word soulmate should be used when it comes to relationships. The word soulmate is the type of word used by teenage girls when they're describing their BFF. Totes mcgoats! But what I WILL say is that I felt something that I've only felt once before...something that scared me and something that I haven't uttered to anyone before.
Maybe I should just start at the beginning because this thing goes all the way back to last year. After dating a girl, who we'll refer to as Jigglypuff (the same girl from the blog entry entitled, "Welp...it's me again") I felt a connection that I've never felt before. As time went on, I realized that connection could, and did, blossom into the dreaded L word, "love." So after dating Jigglypuff, I knew what connection I was looking for and didn't want to settle for less. I dated a few girls here and there...nothing. So it was easy to just pick up, move on, and not get caught up. Eventually, I came across the girl that this blog is about. Let's refer to her as, Summer. Seems fitting.
So Summer and I went out on a date! I went back to the motherland of southwest Pennsylvania, JUST to go out on this date pretty much. She seemed legitimately excited...and nervous. Hell, I was too. So what better way to put us both at ease than surround ourselves with something we both love...video games. We went to Dave and Buster's and I had an absolute blast. Me, on a date, with a cute girl, surrounded by video games?! Hell yeah. How can THAT get any better? Welp, I noticed pretty quickly that I could be myself around her. She understood my humor. She 'got me.' Once again, there was no need to put on "the act" that most people put on during the first date. It was one of those first dates where you just have fun. You enjoy being around the person. I'm a strong believer in it doesn't matter where you go, but who you're with. She whooped my ass in some video games. And I made her laugh, a lot. That's a fair trade.
Needless to say, the date was a success. We talked to each other a little more, but, as I tend to do, I started to become attracted to her too fast. Timing has never been one of my strong-suits. Summer was in a weird place in her life, with school, dancing, work, and family. There was a lot on her plate and I respect(ed) that. I rushed it. The reason I rushed it was because I felt that same connection I felt when I dated Jigglypuff, so I wanted to try and make time count. God, I hate time and timing! So the texts started to come few and far between then eventually I tapped out and let Summer deal with her hectic life.
Time went on, I kept doing my thing, and Summer and I remained friends. Tweeting, texting, Facebooking. So Summer was always somehow in my peripheral vision. Maybe that's why I never fully got over her. But low and behold, fast forward to the last few months of 2012, Summer and I began talking again and the feelings were still there after all that time, on both ends apparently. I knew I still liked her, but to hear her say that she never stopped liking me either made me happy. I thought to myself, 'hmm, maybe she felt/feels the connection too.' It was always hard to read Summer. She was never really good at sharing her feelings and letting me know what was going on in her head. That lead to me being in the dark most of the time and just having to trust my gut instinct and just go with it. So to hear her say that she never stopped liking me was huge...or so I thought. So once again, the texts began to fly more and more and things were almost right back to where we left off the first time.
I was going to be home for the holidays and I knew that I would actually have a decent amount of time to see her, but the main thing that I was focused on was having her as my date for a New Year's Eve party. You get to kiss your date at midnight on New Year's Eve! Whatta romantic comedy movie moment!! God, I'm sucha sappy, corny, goon. Unfortunately, Summer couldn't get off of work in time to come to the party with me, and instead, I was stuck with a gangly, braced faced, slob with b.o. named Crystal (or Krystal...I bet it was Krystal. That's more disgusting and trashy) hanging all over me on New Year's Eve. Hilarious. But the thing that Summer said to me was almost as good as a midnight kiss. She told me that 2012 was a shitty year for her and that she was so happy and thankful that I became a part of her life. She seemed to be opening up to me and actually shared some real feelings.
I always liked making Summer laugh and cheering her up. Matter of fact, that was my favorite thing to do for/with her...make her happy. Whether it be acting like a fool and yelling for Carl during a Zombie 5K or just texting her a quick laugh to cheer her up when she was having a shit-sandwich day, I loved doing it. So of course I planned on surprising her on Valentine's Day with some flowers and a zombie Valentine's card...yes a zombie Valentine's card! Why wouldn't I?! Oh yeah, that's right...cause I'm usually a bitter little fuck when it comes to all the relationship, engagement, and marriage photos being stuffed down my throat in my Facebook newsfeed. But hell, it was going to make Summer happy...and in turn it was going to make me happy making Summer happy. She deserved it. She's awesome! She loved the flowers...and I think she may have loved the card even more.
But, no matter how much I kept trying to follow my heart and just go with it, I always had the hunch that history was going to repeat itself. It was almost the exact same time of the year that it was last year when her "life was hectic." Again, she had school, teaching, graduating, dancing, jobs, and who knows what else. Did I mention how much I hate time/timing?? So of course I kept worrying that I was going to end up hurt again but I still kept trying to show her how much she meant to me, regardless of the distance and regardless of where our lives were.
Her final dance concert was going to be coming up and I knew that I wanted to finally see her in action. I planned way ahead of time to try and surprise her by just showing up, but I'm apparently an 8 year old kid when it comes to surprises and I spilled the beans before the dance concert, so she knew I was coming...and she was uber excited, and nervous, that I was coming. Hell, I was nervous! So I went, and she was un-freakin-believable! She had so much energy! You could tell she was having fun while she was up there! I was literally smiling out loud while I watched her!
So what went wrong? I'm not sure.
Maybe it was her. Maybe it was me.
Maybe I fell for her too hard...again.
Maybe her life was once again, hectic.
Everything from the first time around was still there the 2nd time around...except this time, she was going to be graduating college and starting to build a foundation for an adult life.
I'm already building a foundation. A dream. And I've been out of college for about 5 years now. But the career that I've chosen isn't a traditional 9 to 5 job. I do what I want, when I want. I don't have a "boss" that I have to answer to. I make my schedule. That was still one of the things that scared Summer. The distance. Distance that I know that I could, and would, make work. Not because I had to make it work, but because I wanted to make it work...because I cared about Summer. I tried to show that I cared about her. Like I said, making her happy made me happy.
But Summer apparently couldn't put the same amount of effort into this like I could. So it's not fair to me. I understand that. Again, I respect that. I need to stop thinking that everything is going to work out like a romantic comedy movie. Girls don't randomly realize that she likes a guy while a montage of memories plays in their head while the song The Wallflowers "One Headlight" or some other 90s alternative rock song plays in the background. Girls don't show up at your apartment doorstep after rushing through traffic in the pouring rain while Gin Blossoms "Follow You Down" plays in the background. This is the real world. There's a line in (500) Days of Summer that says it perfectly...
"It's these cards and the movies and the pop songs, they're to blame for all the lies and the heartache."
It's true. We think that relationships can pan out like all these movies and pop songs...but they don't. Sometimes they do. But most times, you end up disappointed and heartbroken. You're left in a wake of pre-chewed excuses. It's not you, it's me. You get strung along. Your brain and heart get played with. They don't realize they're doing it. They don't realize that the things they say ultimately can, and will, hurt you. Summer made me truly believe that she had changed from the first time around. She made me believe that she really liked me.
Welp, I guess I might as well say it since you're still reading this far...the fact of the matter is (and I can't believe I'm admitting this...and typing it) I fell in love with Summer. There's just something about her. I honestly can't figure it out. I guess it's the kind of falling in love that doesn't make sense. The kind of falling in love that gives you a smile waking up to a text from her. The kind of falling in love that would make you drive 5 and a half hours to see her dance her little heart out only to turn around the same night and drive 5 and a half hours back to New Jersey. The kind of falling in love knowing that she would rather have The Zombie Surivial Guide as a gift rather than any kind of jewelry. The kind of falling in love that is simple as just the two of you sitting in your car while she judges your iPod. The kind of falling in love that makes you want to fight for her.
I'm starting to think that kind of falling in love isn't real anymore.
Adam Lucidi has come to terms on the release of love. We wish them all the best in their future endeavors.