Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Mema.

"Take the little old lady from The Golden Girls and add about 120lbs. and that's Mema."


It wasn't just a line in my act. It was real. Josephine Lucidi was something. That's for damn sure.

The boss. Mema didn't take no shit. She was the leader of the entire Lucidi clan...and what she said, goes. She was a tough Dago lady. She stood her ground and you couldn't shake her. She had to put up with Jerry...her husband. A big, burley bear of a man who appeared to be a grizzly bear, but was actually a teddy bear. Jerry, or Papap, tortured Mema. It was a tough love kind of thing. Of course he loved Mema...but why not have some fun with her too?? He would sit in his favorite chair, just like Archie Bunker, and trip Mema as she would walk past. He wasn't trying to be mean or hurt Mema, he just got a kick out of watching her get mad at him. If people would see it and laugh, Mema would snap, "dontchu laugh at him, he's not funny." But he was. And Mema didn't like being the butt of jokes. She was the boss. You don't poke fun at the boss. You're supposed to respect the boss..and in a way, fear the boss. Papap and Mema were always making comments to each other...picture the relationship of the parents from Everybody Loves Raymond...but make that rated R. She referred to him as "you no good son of a bitch," or "you dirty bastard," and to those two that was just as good and wholesome as "sweetheart" or "babe." When talking about death and being ghosts, Mema said that she was going to come back and haunt Papap...and in the most certain and condescending tone, Papap responded with, "you wouldn't know how to haunt." There wasn't anything you could try to get passed her. She raised siblings, kids, and grandchildren. So pretty much after raising so many people, she knew every trick in the book. You gonna try and live with her at age 18 or so in her basement and after a long night of drinking try to sneak in at 4am to think that she doesn't know what you were up to? Think again. She needs her cigarettes at 7am. And a half hour later, she needs some bread. And a half hour after that? Well of course she needs some milk. She's heard and seen it all. When my mom died when I was 2, me and my dad moved in with Mema. She was a 2nd mother to me and raised me just like all the others before me. I was "her boy." She wanted what was
best for me and she knew how to make sure I got the best. When my dad remarried, Mema was NOT a fan of it. Her babies were being taken away from her. And in a way, I wasn't a fan of it either. Of course I love Maureen, but at the same time, I was going to be moving out of Mema's. Look at any picture from Maureen and Jimbo's wedding and find me in them. I'm not smiling in a single picture and have tears in my eyes. What a dick move on my part, eh? But I wasn't going to be living at Mema's anymore.

The fighter. For someone to have to raise so many kids, you have to eventually gain some kind of thick skin. Who knows what all those kids are going to get into. Right?? They could run away and get hitched or go to jail. She had to be ready for anything. And she was. She wasn't just a strong woman when it came to her family. She was a strong woman when it came to her health. She had 9 lives. She was a smoker...and after awhile, that can take it's toll on you. I remember being about 10 or so and being down Mema's with one of my cousins who was older than me. Mema was on a new medication and was supposed to take it with food, but for some reason (probably stubbornness) she didn't. I remember walking around the corner into the kitchen seeing my older cousin staring into her eyes and trying to look at what she was staring at saying, "what the hell you staring at Gram?" Something wasn't right. She was standing upright, leaning on the counter with a folded towel under her elbows like she always did, but she was shaking and staring...but as I walked by her to get to the phone to call 911, her eyes followed me and she smiled. That was just one of the many things she went through. The smoking caused her to be on oxygen...which she didn't like. She was stubborn. She didn't want to be seen in public wearing one of those things...and she sure as hell didn't want "that damn hose up her nose." She had too much pride and didn't want to be seen as weak. It wasn't just that. She got Alzheimer's and dementia...it wasn't that bad at first. Just mixing up some names here and there. Then starting to see things in her yard. Then seeing babies walking through her house and telling people to be quiet because the babies were sleeping in the back. They say that Alzheimer's is the worst disease a person can have...because you lose the loved one twice. And it's true. To see the invincible woman's mind to start whittling away was a painful thing for me and my family. But she knew something wasn't right. Her sister (my aunt Irene) passed away near the beginning of her opening stages, and when I was laying in her room with her (and how she would slowly scratch my back while watching tv) I remember her saying to me, "She's really gone, isn't she?" And I said, yeah. And she said, "I know that I'm losing it. I know I'm going to go and try and call her one day and she won't be there to answer." As I got ready to leave, she was laying in her room in the dark and I went to give her a kiss on the cheek like I always did, and she pulled me in for a hug to say, "No matter if I lose it or not, you'll always be my baby. Remember that, okay?" Around New Year's Eve, she came clean again in front of everyone. Which was both unbelievable and heartwarming. After the ball dropped, she calmed everyone down from drinking, laughing, and hollering and said, "I wanna say something." No one knew what was coming. She said, "I just wanna say that I'm sorry to Maureen. She turned out to be very good to Jim and Adam. And I love you." THAT was something that no one knew where it came from. For big, bad, Mema to openly say in front of everyone that she loved someone that she put down and to say that she was sorry, was huge for our family. She knew that something wasn't right with her...but no matter what, she was never ready to call it quits. She was a fighter. She was the boss. What happens if the boss is away? Things get out of hand. And she'll be damned if these 'gypsies' were gonna run amuck. Not on her watch.

The mouth. "You're looking a little heavy." "Those shoes look like something a gay would wear." Just a few of the many, many things that would spew out of Mema's mouth. She didn't have a filter. Why should she?? She didn't have to answer to anybody. My dad and mom began dating and my mom always got really really tan (and thankfully, that was passed along to me) but something didn't sit right with Mema...so she just had to make sure and ask my dad, "Jimmy, are you sure she isn't black?" My parents ran away to Florida to get married and when my dad called to tell Mema that he was married, she responded with, "I don't have a son," and hung up the phone. Then went and ripped up his birth certificate. She's the boss, remember!? She did the same thing to one of my aunt's whenever she ran away to get 'hitched." But what happened when my dad came back to PA? He walked in the front door...and there was Mema, sitting at the kitchen table, elbows on the table, with a lit cigarette in her hand and started the conversation with, "You want something to eat?" She may have had a lot of bark...but there wasn't that strong of a bite. I have no idea how she did it but when she would throw out a "God damnit," or a "son of a bitch," you knew that something fired her up. As weird as it sounds, her cussing wasn't just regular cussing. She cussed to make a point. She didn't have a dirty mouth by any means. As a matter of fact, when someone else would cuss, and God forbid toss "fuck" around, she would respond with "ttt-ttt-tttt." But when her temper kicked in and she had to lay down the law, she made that cussing into some kind of poetic melody. When Maureen and my dad began dating, Mema thought that Maureen was coming into the picture too soon after my mom had died. But my dad knew that me and him couldn't live with Mema forever. I would always be down Mema's during the day when I wasn't in school and when Maureen and my dad would pull out of the driveway and head up the road (in 2 separate cars) Mema would always look out the window and say, "Look it, look...there she goes, right up his ass." Mema was intimidating. Being so young and losing my mom, then having Maureen come into the picture, I still remember Mema telling me to never forget my mother and to not call Maureen my mom, because I only had one mother and she was gone. Pretty heavy stuff to toss to a kid, eh? But she was the boss. And in a way, that messed me up somewhere along the line in my head...which might still be why I refer to Maureen as just, Mar.

Mema was my buddy. And I was her boy. There was no doubt about it. Everyone in the family knows it. I protected her and she protected me. When I was in elementary school, a truck drove into Mema's house. I remember being on the bus and hearing that a big truck drove through a house down at Searight's Crossroads. I was a kid at the time, but I still knew that there were only 2 houses that it could be...and 1 of those houses were already condemned. So I knew that it was Mema's. I remember seeing the truck through the front of the house and knowing that Mema could be in there somewhere. I ran off that bus only to see her standing in her front yard with her hands on her hips looking at her house and running into her arms crying...and she laughed and said, "baby, I'm alright." And it was. Being so young, you don't really think about things like death. "Grown-ups" can almost be seen as heroes and immortal. You don't ever expect to see them in pain or cry. As years go on and the real world sets in, you start to see how these grown-ups are just like everyone else...and how eventually, you're going to become one of those grown-ups. Mema battled with Alzheimer's and dementia for about 7 years. 7 years to slowly have her mind erased one day at a time. It was like a video tape. It was a full video tape and it was going in rewind and erasing what was on the video. She couldn't take in any more information. To see that same boss, fighter, and mouth to slowly waste away to a frail and helpless person seems to be unfair at times. But it's part of life. She lived her life for 81 years. She raised a bunch of 'gypsies.' She did her job. And now she's gone.


She was a mom. A Grandma. A sister. A friend. The fighter. The boss. The mouth. The cook. The gossiper. The smoker. The gambler. My Mema.

So how does a family so dependent on a woman like this move on? We laugh.


Monday, November 22, 2010

Four Loko...A Literary Review

Welp, tonight was the night. I became a full fledged douche and tried a Four Loko. That's right. That drink that has been banned in NYC. Whoa, I'm a rebel.

Now, I've been curious about what Four Loko was all about. Especially after I was home for a visit and went down to good ol' Cal U of PA to visit some friends and saw that everyone was drinking a Four Loko...meanwhile, I have a 40oz. I'M SUCH A SQUAAAARE!

So Surge V2..er, I mean, Four Loko is the equivalent of 4-6 beers? I dunno exact numbers. I'm apparently not up with the times, remember? Mix that with some caffeine and whatta got? College students being hospitalized and having some insane hangovers. Whatever happened to the good ol' days where you just did a bunch of shots, drank beer, and played drinking games? Oh wait, college kids still do that?? But now Four Loko has invaded.

From all the people I've talked to about these things, NOT ONE person has talked about how they were good. I've gotten some weird/funny reports on them, but no one ever said, "oh man, they are so tasty." Comments I got on Four Loko were..."it tastes like bull urine," "it tastes like pure gasoline," and "it just tastes like all the shit people pour into the bowl for Captain Dickhead."

But I still tried it...and I couldn't finish it. L7 weenie! I had the fruit punch flavor. I drank about half the can and just couldnt muster up the strength to drink anymore of the terrible flavor. It tasted like wine mixed with beer and pop. Three things that I enjoy all mixed together. So how could I NOT like it?! Three things that I enjoy have been mixed together before, and I've loved it. Perfect example, the KFC famous bowl.

I dumped the rest of the Loko out in the sink and it reminded me of the ooze from Ninja Turtles. $4.28 spent just to confirm that all the rumors of the drink being awful were true...and to get a small buzz.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Don't Wanna Be An American Idiot...

Oh, blog. I'm sorry.

Let's just cut right to the chase for tonight. I feel like blogging about inspiration, chasing them dreams, and that long road you gotta ride to get that. Tonight, I saw American Idiot. Yes, I have seen it before. No, I'm not gay.

First of all, my trusty sidekick, Nick and I discovered that there is a "student rush deal" for American Idiot. Pretty much what it is, is that if you have a student ID you can get tickets for $27 bucks, so why would you not go for that deal? Especially if Green Day is one of your favorite bands and you have a student ID that hasn't been valid or thought about since graduating college almost 3 years ago. Now I don't know if the guy working the box office was new or if they just like taking care of "struggling students," but we got front row seats...for $27. How's that happen?? So for those of you that don't know the story or never listened to CD (then still had no idea what the story is), American Idiot is pretty much about growing up, finding yourself, chasing your dreams, leaving a small town behind, being lied to, drugs, sex, and a bunch of other stuff I probably am too stupid to interpret.

Anyways, being so close to the stage and being RIGHT there with the cast, it was really cool to see that every single person on that stage was legitimately (and no pun intended) having the time of their life. Those people have made it. They chased their dreams and are got them. Chasing your dreams can be a scary thing. You don't know what the hell is going to come out of it. You have to leave everything behind, risk it all, and follow your heart. I'm pretty sure that might have been a quote from "How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days" or "She's All That." Anyways, we hung around afterwards to see some of the cast leave and they were some of the nicest people/celebrities I've met after a live show. To have fans standing there, waiting to meet you after a show has to be one of the most surreal and flattering things. I've always been a fan of comedians hanging around in lobbies of theaters or clubs after shows to meet fans..no matter how famous they get. I've always said that is one thing I can't wait for, to connect with people and just talk with them after shows.

Comedians are a strange race. They are fragile and self-conscious...among many, many other things. And a lot of comedians want different things out of this "career"...or enigma. All want(need) money. Most want fame. Some do it as just a hobby. Some do it for the love and passion of making people laugh. Some are just born performers. And some just want people to quote their material in every day life situations (me).

I gotta admit, I want some weird things out of this whole comedy thing. Seeing that American Idiot cast having a blast both onstage and off with the fans outside makes me hungrier than ever to evolve into a legit comic. Stay tuned.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

The Invention of Scott Pilgrim

Well, it's been awhile since I got to another movie...maybe because I had such a hard time trying to track down the movie that I actually wanted to see...this blog is going out to Scott Pilgrim.....and the world.




I remember seeing this preview during Toy Story 3 and I gotta say, I had no idea why they put it in the batch of previews of Toy Story, but I was glad that they did. The preview had me intrigued. First of all, it looked like it was based of a video game, so of course it had me curious about it. THEN I found out that Edgar Wright directed the movie (who also directed Shaun of the Dead, which is probably my favorite movie, and Hot Fuzz). So of course I had to give it a try. Sadly, the really nice theater by my apartment didn't have it opening day...or the week after that, or the week after that. So I had to venture on my bike over to Jersey City Mall and catch it, and I'm glad I did. I instantly got a smile on my face from the very first scene...not even the opening credits, I'm talking about when Universal's intro came on the screen. The Scott Pilgrim camp did their homework when it came to piling on the video game references. This was just an all around fun movie. The jokes were pulled off really well, the fight scenes were pretty epic, and whether you like Michael Cera or not, it was kind of refreshing to see him kick a little ass. I dunno what it is with Hollywood and Michael Cera...every time a movie needs some awkward kid, they immediately go to Michael Cera. Regardless, Michael Cera wasn't really a little bitch in this movie. I have no idea if the movie could be seen in 3D, but while I was watching the movie, I thought about how cool it could have been if the movie was presented in 3D, but at the same time, I think it might have taken away from the movie's effects (is that possible?) I think so. Because I've never played a video game in 3D. So I was kind of torn between it being in 3D or not. I don't really like giving too much shit away in these little blog 'reviews', but let me say, I never knew the graphic novel existed, but after seeing the movie, I'm interested in it now. But I digress, without giving too much away, if you are a nerd at heart, enjoy video games, comic books, or just those underdog love stories, you should give Scott Pilgrim a chance...I mean, he fights seven evil ex's for YOUR entertainment...and the girl of his dreams.

So let's move onto the latest Netflix review. I got The Invention of Lying a couple of weeks ago. My good ol' roommate Sawka found the movie On Demand and me being the idiot that I am, didn't cancel it on my Netflix and just watch it On Demand...but then I guess I would have to do an On Demand section of the blog reviews too? No, fuck that. Anyways, The Invention of Lying is pretty damn funny. There are a bunch of little cameos, which ended up being surprising to me in the end. I mean, it's no Tom Cruises and Angelina Jolies or anything...but by the middle of it, there were a lot of recognizable faces all telling the truth, and being funny about it...like Louis C.K. Pretty much what the movie is about, is no one knows how to lie. It just hasn't been invented yet. But the movie is set in the present which makes it a little more interesting. The dialogue between characters ends up being hilarious because people HAVE to say whatever they are thinking...they can't lie. Wow, if only, huh?? Imagine that. People would know EXACTLY what you were thinking about them and in a way, it would end up being better...and sometimes worse. But anyways, the movie is definitely worth a rent on Netflix.

Well, I think that's about it. I'm thinking about actually seeing Pirana 3D, aka, Snakes on a Plane 2...but with fishes.....and water...pretty much, another bad movie that is so bad, it's kinda good...and funny. I WILL say, my current video here from Netflix is Rob Zombie's Halloween 2. I started it 4 days ago, and still haven't finished it. I think it's safe to say you already know what I'm going to say about that movie.

Anyways, until next time Adamaniacs!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Lion VS. Tuna

So keeping up with the "review" kick that I'm on, I wanted to talk about the latest movie that I saw in theatres, and that movie was "The Other Guys."



Well yeah the preview looked funny! So why not see it!? First of all, before going into it, I heard from a couple of comics that have seen the movie that Will Ferrell wasn't typical "Will Ferrell" in the movie. I didn't really see it. He yelled, had that sarcastic tone at times, and had a really funny character...soooo, those comics were liars. Unless they meant that he wasn't typical Will Ferrell because he didn't take his shirt off and run around like an idiot while showing off his awkwardly hairy chest...oh sorry, was I supposed to say *SPOILER ALERT* before I wrote that??

Anyways, the beginning sequence with The Rock and Samuel Jackson is great...without giving anything away, it's pretty much just one giant spoof on action movies and the movie continues that spoof even after that beginning sequence. I will say though, I have never really paid attention to anything that Mark Wahlberg has done in his acting career, so I guess you could say that he's pretty much a new actor to me. Regardless, Mark Wahlberg is hilarious in this movie...just a lil, bitter, angry fuck. That always leads to some laughs, right??

I gotta admit though, there is one person that I enjoyed more than Ferrell and Wahlberg, and that was Michael Keaton. Maybe it's because he played Beetlejuice (which, FUN FACT, he was only in that film for a total of 17 minutes.) or maybe it's because he's a fan of the Pittsburgh Penguins and is originally from PA, or MAYBE it's because he played Batman, or JUST MAYBE, it's because he's funny. I'm gonna go ahead and say that it's because he's funny. The running gag with Keaton in the movie is great and anytime that he is on screen, he throws out some funny one liners and facial expressions...even though he does look old as shit in this movie.

So the bottom line is, don't wait for it to come out on DVD or Netflix...just go see it in the theatre. If ANYTHING, the one good thing about this movie is that people probably won't quote Will Ferrell for years to come like they do with Anchorman and Ricky Bobby.


Monday, August 2, 2010

Dinner For Beth Cooper

Okay blog...here we go. So, back in April I did a whole month (or at least a couple entries) devoted to two different, and sometimes similar things, and pitted them against each other in a Nostalgic Battle Royal. So I decided for this month (or maybe whenever I have nothing to blog about) I'll devote blogs to movie reviews...both movies in theaters AND Netflix. So for this blog, I would like to review the movie "Dinner For Schmucks".


Alright, so I went to the movie thinking that it was going to be pretty funny. Surprisingly, the only parts that were consistently funny was Barry's "mouse-terpieces." Sooo, dead mice were funny to me. Other than that, Stevel Carell has his funny moments as Barry (who has a look of a pedophile) and Paul Rudd is just good ol' Paul Rudd trying to get things done, win the girl, and get his life in order. At times I felt like I was watching some kind of animated movie or something because of some of the characters. The characters almost all had a look where they were over the top and looney...especially Paul Rudd's stalker. But other than that, there are some funny moments with Zach Galifianakis (who also has a movie coming out called "Due Date" that looks pretty funny) But Zach isn't really in the movie for too long, sadly.

Other than "Due Date," the other previews were "Little Fockers" (who cares). "Rango", an animated movie that actually looks decent and original. And some movie that has to do with Jennifer Aniston and seamen getting switched by her best friend or something...I dunno.

But bottom line for "Dinner For Schmucks," I don't think it's worth the $11. Seriously, when in hell did movies become $11? Just wait for the schmucks to come to your Netflix.

Speaking of Netflix, I recently watched "I Love You, Beth Cooper." And for those of you who haven't seen it, don't. The main character is terrible and unfunny. Beth Cooper isn't nearly as naked as she could have been. And all the other characters and jokes sucked. It reminded me of a really shitty knock off of "The Girl Next Door." For those of you who HAVEN'T seen "The Girl Next Door." Do.

Welp, that about does it for these little "reviews" (or lack thereof)...I also want to say this is probably the most times I've used quotation marks, "ever."

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The Concrete Jungle

Just a small town girl, livin' in a loooonely woooorld.

Ain't it the truth. So my last post revolved around being from a small town, and acknowledging people. Welp, here is a sequel to acknowledgment.

I've blogged about "barking" before. And a lot of comedians don't like it...not that they don't like when I blog about it, they just don't like concept of barking. They see it as comics being exploited. And to a degree, they are right. But again, that comes with the territory. But what also comes with the territory of barking is being ignored.

It amazes me how far people will go out of their way to not talk to someone. New York is a city full of impatient, inconsiderate, and selfish people. And I know this. Not only have I experienced it, but I remember a story awhile back about how a homeless man tried to save a woman in the streets of NYC and got stabbed, then lay in a pool of his own blood on the sidewalk only to be ignored by 1...2....3...4..5...6..7 people. Seven people. Seven inconsiderate pricks waltzing by a man laying in the street while on their cell phones, listening to their iPods, and drinking their little iced coffee mocha latte supremes. Keep up the good work New York. Unreal.

Granted, I'm not laying in the street dieing, but I might as well be. I might get more acknowledgement out of people doing that than actually trying to talk to them. No one wants to be bothered. People will completely and utterly ignore you to avoid any kind of communication with someone on the outside of their little electronic selfish world.

So again, I will say it, being from a small town, when you see someone attempting to speak to you, you fuckin' acknowledge them. I'm not saying you have to buy anything from them or give them anything, but at least show signs of life. A smile, a "no thank you," SOMETHING. But nope, people will keep walking listening to Lady Gaga in their iPods, pretend like they are texting someone so they don't have to make eye contact with you, and wear their big obnoxious sunglasses so they don't have to look at you. Look, I understand NYC has this big reputation of being tough, sharp tongued, and jaded. But c'mon, knock it the fuck off you pricks. Jay-Z shoulda put something in Empire State of Mind about that.

With that being said, goodnight New York City.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

In A Place Between Insane & Insecure.

The song "High School Never Ends" by Bowling For Soup is pretty accurate. Granted, it might be a shitty song, but I heard it the other day again for the first time in awhile, and it got me thinking...'yeah, you're right Bowling For Soup' (wow, there's a phrase I bet you don't hear everyday).

Clothes, personality, your friends, among many other things decides who you are as a person, not just to yourself, but also to the people around you. Which might end up leading a lot of people to being insecure. A characteristic of a lot of comics is being insecure. Whether it be in their daily life or onstage. Almost every comedian that I have come into contact with is insecure in some way, shape or form.

Look at me for example. I am a shy person when meeting people for the first time. Take that shyness and put the feeling of being judged in front of other comics I'm meeting for the first time (or co-workers, as I like to refer to them as) and you have one insecure mother fucker. This guy right here. People can be two-faced, I know this. I learned it in high school. So there's always that feeling of other comic's thinking "this guy sucks" whenever performing. It goes with the territory. Every comic brings something different to the table. But along with high school, there's always that feeling of, "man, I wish I was like..." There are a lot of comedians out here who are smarter than me. I'm not smart. Hell, I even say it in my act that I'm not book smart. But I wish that I was. And seeing other comedians creating and talking about 'smart' jokes, tends to be a little scary cause I know I could never come up with that.

Just like high school, there are cliques in the comedy world. It's scary. I didn't like cliques back in high school and I sure as shit don't like them now. In high school, I didn't fit into a set mold. I wasn't smart, I wasn't a jock (big surprise there), I wasn't a prep, I wasn't a country boy, I wasn't a city kid. I tried to make sure that I didn't shut anyone out of my life in high school. If you were friendly, a nice person, and easy to talk to, then awesome! If not, then that's okay too, even though it bugged me if there was that feeling of someone not liking me.

Same goes for me in the comedy world. Not everyone is going to think you're funny. Not everyone is going to like you. Okay, that's fine. But being from a small town, you say 'hi' to people, be friendly, and try and talk to them...that don't really work out here. There are some comedians out here who take a look at you both on stage and off stage, and decide right then and there that you're of no use to them. So why try and be friendly?? Well, cause being a nice person gets you far in life. At least I think so.

A lot of comedians will grow and evolve, both with their persona and material. But the fact of the matter is, a lot of comedians need to grow up. Don't look at other comics as competition. It's retarded. A few 'heys' and 'how are yous' tend to go a long way. I dunno. Maybe that's just my small town history talking. But a part of me feels like that lack of 'small town hospitality' goes in the same boat with people feeling insecure about themselves.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

You Better Run For Your Fuckin' Life.

Hello again Adamaniacs! So it's 2:30 in the morning and I think Facebook, YouTube, Yahoo, and Wrestlezone has given me all it has to offer for one night, so I decided to swing by the ol' blog.

Tonight was an interesting night. I had dinner with an ex-girlfriend of mine. Now a lot of you might think right off the bat, 'Uh oh! He must still have a thing for this ex.' OR 'I bet that dinner turned ugly real quick.' Well, you couldn't be more wrong for either thought. This ex of mine and I have always been civilized with each other once we broke up (granted, we still enjoy busting each other's chops about a lot of things) but it was still fun nonetheless. The whole story of how we broke up is kind of a complicated one (and if she ever found this blog, and saw that I posted how, why, when, and where we broke up, she may stab me...just sayin')

Anyways, while I was driving home tonight from dinner, I started to think about some ex-girlfriends and crushes that I've had and what has come out of them. Now, when I say "crushes" I mean, those girls that I "talked" to, or the girls that got away...take your pick on which definition you want to go with. The crushes were never Facebook official, so they weren't real...I live by the book, die by the book.

But I digress, I thought a lot about some of the girls that have come in and out of my life and what I've learned from all of them. Now I'm not going to go all the way back to high school or anything...I'm talking about ones in recent memory that have actually made some kind of impact on my life or have taught me a lesson. I feel like getting some things off my chest, without revealing actual names and how and why things didn't work out with these girls. So let's start with a couple examples...

We'll call the first example, Patti Mayonnaise. Now Patti Mayonnaise was a very quiet and shy girl...one that you wouldn't expect to see with me, mainly because we were opposites. She was shy and I was loud and outgoing. It almost felt like that quote from Bruce Almighty, "behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes." That is kind of how I felt about Patti. Don't get me wrong, she wasn't rolling her eyes in anger or annoyance, but it was almost as if she was rolling her eyes while smiling at whatever I was doing, which is awesome. Smiling and laughing is one of the biggest things that I look for in a girl. She has to be able to put up with me. Me being immature, loud, and retarded, and Patti pulled it off well for being such a shy girl. Although she could tolerate it, it was almost as if she wasn't always willing to actually be there next to me while I was being loud, immature, and retarded. Sometimes she just didn't want to join in on the fun. One of the things that I learned from Patti is that sometimes opposites do in fact attract (and I can't believe I actually posted that stupid cliche) but it's true. Mild and meek can sometimes mesh well with loud and outgoing. They balance each other out. So thanks Patti Mayonnaise for being an understanding and awesome balance for someone who still gets a kick out of Tiny Toon Adventures.

Let's call the next example, Carmen Sandiego. Now going along with smiling and laughing, Carmen Sandiego had a very similar sense of humor to me. Not only did she understand my humor, but she could also dish it out...sometimes even enough to baffle me, which was both sexy and frustrating at the same time. Carmen Sandiego had it all, looks, the body, and a big attitude. And sometimes that attitude took its toll. Carmen Sandiego wasn't really all about the corny and cutesy stuff that I like to portray sometimes. Believe it or not, I'm still all about trying to give chivalry a chance and seeing how far it will take a guy...but Carmen wasn't really a fan. Carmen Sandiego was always a strong and independent girl. She didn't like to be patronized or pandered to. Her problems were her own problems and no one else's. There were a lot of times that Carmen wouldn't fully open up to me which just confused the hell out of me. Relationships are supposed to be about being there for each other, no matter what, right?? Well, Carmen was content on figuring out her own problems her own way...that's where the independence comes into play, remember? I said it about her already. Anyways, Carmen taught me that not all girls out there are looking for a compassionate guy. There are a lot of girls out there who are just as independent with a boyfriend, as those without one. It wasn't anything personal against me, that's just how she was brought up. To be strong. And that's probably one of the main things I learned from Carmen, to be strong with whatever life throws at you.

The next example will be called, Angelica Pickles. Angelica is possibly the most confusing girl that I've ever come into contact with, but at the same time, she was also the girl that I felt the most comfortable around out of all the past ones. I could always be myself around her and be completely honest with her. Which is probably a close 2nd to my importance of smiling and laughing. It was a strange case. We were both completely comfortable with each other and things just seemed to be a lot better when we were around each other, at least on my end. We always had fun, always laughed, and could always pump the breaks and be serious when need be. There were a lot of things that I learned from Angelica (one of which, is that you can't trust people...even your best friends at times). But the main things being, is that sometimes things just aren't meant to be. You can try and try and try, but it doesn't really matter if both sides aren't completely into it. Does that suck? Oh yeah, but it happens. You can talk until you're blue in the face and fight for what you want, and what you think makes you happy, but when it comes down to it, sometimes it's just not enough.

All is fair in love and war...and comedy.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Gilbert Gottfriend Carrying A Pineapple.

Hello again Adamaniacs. Lets discuss a current (and wild) event that happened to me lately. This story comes off the heels of a pretty cynical blog I post entitled "And Now It Sucks To Be You Too..."

So I was barking, (a comedy vocab word that means try to sell comedy show tickets to strangers in the street) and some comedians hate the fact that barking exists and to a degree it does suck. A bunch of people walking on the street ignoring you, going out of their way to ignore you, listening to their iPods so they can ignore you, looking at their phone as if they have a text message to ignore you, randomly starting conversations with people they are with to ignore you...well, I think you get the point.

Anyways, I was barking and a woman came up to me and asked me if I take donations, to which I reply "Uh, sure?" Then the woman handed me two Best Buy gift cards. I asked her if she wanted a ticket in return and she said, "No, it's fine, I just want to donate something." And she walked away and went about her day and I put the gift cards in my bag and went about my day, not thinking anything of it. So I went about my Friday and Friday night and then came home.

Saturday morning rolls around, and since there isn't such a thing as "Saturday morning cartoons" anymore, I had some time on my hands. So I decided to check and see how much were on these gift cards, if anything. So I type in the card number on Best Buy's website, and on one of the cards there was $1,000......yeah, $1,000.

I immediately thought that the card was stolen...or there was some kind of problem. So I decided to check the amount on the 2nd card. I type in the number, hit confirm, and low and behold, there is another $1,000.

So now, I have $2,000 in Best Buy gift card. What the hell should I do?? Welp, I told the roommates and concocted a plan to check and see if these cards were legit or not. I gave one of the gift cards to one of my roommates and told them to go into Best Buy and buy a CD.....just to see what happens. Once I got the card back, and saw that there was $985, and saw that my roommate wasn't being arrested, I figured, these cards must be legit. So me and the roommates went into Best Buy and had a mini shopping spree. I let my roommates get whatever they wanted...cause I'm a nice guy, remember? I already said that in that previous evil blog. So one roommate got a digital camera, the other roommate got a speaker system for their iPod, we got an air conditioner for our apartment, and I got Cool Runnings on DVD...along with some other DVDs.

After that mini shopping spree, there is still about $1100 left in Best Buy moneys. But wow, how often are you just given free money?? I don't know who that woman was or what her story was, but the only thing I can come up with is that she was Amish. That would have to be it, right?? Why else would some woman hand out $2,000 bucks in Best Buy moneys unless she couldn't use techology...or hated it. I DON'T KNOW!

Regardless, I thank you random lady in the street for handing me that money...not that you'll ever see this post, being Amish and all. A lot of funny ideas came into my head whenever I found out that I could pretty much do anything I wanted in Best Buy...like buy 12 copies of the movie G-Force on DVD or buy an iPad and never use it and just let it sit on our coffee table at the apartment and when people would come over I would say, "Ohh, excuse me, let me move that iPad out of the way.....oh wait, what's that under my iPad? IT'S ANOTHER FUCKIN IPAD!"

So maybe this event comes in the wake of that depressing post prior to this one. To show that good things do happen to good people and that not everyone in this world is cold and selfish. I have no idea.

But there is one thing I do know, I should have known that it was going to be a strange day when I saw Gilbert Gottfried walking the streets of NYC carrying a pineapple.


Saturday, May 8, 2010

And Now It Sucks To Be You Too...

Well, April has come and passed and that means that The Nostalgic Battle Royal is over. I gotta admit, I had a lot more ideas for it and wanted to actually blog about it pretty much every day...which I think it's good that I didn't do it every day or every other day, because then I had the chance to let you down. Disappoint you. Something that this country and your life is going to be filled with. Disappointment. Now granted, I'm not saying that you're going to go out and drink yourself into oblivion because I didn't keep updating my blog. But, there are going to be a lot more important things in this life that you look forward to, excite you, and you love that just isn't going to satisfy you and make you happy. Where is this blog comin' from? I dunno.

Maybe it's the fact that I am a guy that have lived by the rules my entire life. I've done what I was supposed to up until this point in my life. I studied for tests, I did homework, I was polite, respected my elders...and pretty much an entire list of good deeds/proper etiquette/playing by the rules that I don't feel like typing out. So where does that lead me? Well, it leads me to decent grades and graduating high school. Which leads me to going to college.

College. A word that means debt. And not just debt financial wise, it's also a knowledge and health debt. Cause guess what? A lot of the things in college that are taught, you don't need...ever, ever ever ever. High school was the same way. You were taught things that you would never need, unless of course you decided to pursue that particular field. But who the fuck wants to pursue a job where you need to determine X and the cotangent? Who wants to do something with physics? Who wants to dissect a cat on a day to day basis? Hey...wait, maybe you do want to do those things later in life. So go for it. But guess what? You're just going to be disappointed. Everyone that you come into contact with makes college out to be the most important thing in life. Once you go to college, ALL your dreams are going to come true. You're going to wake up every day and a guy is going to hand you a bag of money and a balloon. It's all bullshit. College is an illusion, plain and simple. It's a place where you go to learn more about yourself and who you are as a person. So why not try and take some money out of it and portray the illusion that you're going to actually gain knowledge while on that journey of finding out who you are?

Don't get me wrong, college was some of the best years of my life. I lived in a great house, with some best friends that I consider my brothers (and sister) to this day. I learned a lot about myself, and I learned a lot about other people too. But it amazes me that college was put on this pedestal and it hasn't gotten me anything. If you've seen my act, you know that I couldn't get a job at Spencer's. How is that possible? I have a degree. I've done what society has told me to do to become, what I thought, was a better person. I have a degree. I'm set for life. How can't I work at a part-time job? Are you kidding me?? That should be my trump card. But it isn't. No one gives a fuck about you in this world and what you've done or accomplished.

Which leads to disappointment. Something that is going to be around for years and years. Guess what? You're in a relationship right now, you're happy as ever. What's gonna come out of it in the end? Disappointment. You applied for this really important job and you're just praying that you get it. You ain't gonna get it. Disappointment is all over the place. No matter what you try and accomplish in life, it's never enough. Ever. Because life isn't fair.

Example. I had a video production class. There were a lot of projects due and there was a lot of work to do in the class. I did it, on time. Maybe mediocre work, but it was still done and on time. There was a kid in the back of the room, that barely, if ever, came to class. And when he did come to class, he slept the entire time. He never knew when projects were due. The only time he knew projects were due, is when the professor would say, "Ok, pass in your projects." To which this kid would respond, "Oh fuck, something is due today?" Needless to say, he didn't finish the class...or even school. But guess what. He's doing just fine in life. In fact, he's doing better than me and a lot of other people that I know that have graduated. He's touring the country right now with a band, and has even performed for troops over seas. Good for him, that's awesome. But, if there's one thing that this example can prove, it's that life isn't fair. Get used to it now. Always expect disappointment to come up whenever it can. No matter what you do, it's not going to be enough.

You've been lied to for years about what's best for you. Santa Claus is watching you, so you better be good. Your face will stick that way if you keep making that face. You need to go to college. I'll never hurt you. I love you. There's a lot of lies out there with disappointment. So the point is, do whatever you want.

If you don't agree with me, to some degree (no pun intended) then fuck you. You've probably gotten what you want thus far out of life, and for that, I congratulate you. But whatever you did to get there and get what you want, lie, cheat, steal, then I'm going to start taking some lessons from you, because nice guys finish last. No one really wants to see the good guy win. The bad guy is the one that is always more animated, more entertaining, and just all around cooler. Maybe I need to be an anti-hero. I dunno.

Debt. Lies. Disappointment. Get used to them.


Saturday, April 10, 2010

Mighty Mutant Teenage Morphin Ranger Turtles!

That's right...we all knew that it was going to come down to this at some point. Today's tag team match up is going to be none other than The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers taking on The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!!

Cowabunga, bitches. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were probably one of the best crime fighting teams in cartoon history. Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo and Ra
phael were a corner stone in almost every kid's life. You watched them on television, had the action figures, and was amazed at the first movie they came out with. If you didn't do any of those things, then you were an asshole kid....or just deprived. I remember always having my Turtle toys fight my Power Ranger toys back in the day...and every now and then they had to team up to take on my Power Ranger villian toys and my turtle villian toys...man, those were epic times I lived in. So what do the turtles have heading into the battle royal? Well, they are ninjas...enough said. They have ninja weapons...enough said. Oh, and they are giant fucking turtles...enough said. One of the turtles main strengths going into this battle royal is their movies. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 1 AND 2 were both great movies...(Turtles 3, where they go back in time...not so much, AND THEN there was the new computer animated Turtles TMNT, which wasn't too bad) but for the most part, Turtles 1 and 2 were awesome. Especially Turtles 2, I mean, think about it...you got the secret of the ooze, Vanilla Ice singing about the turtles, AND Big Daddy Cool Kevin Nash playing the role of Super Shredder (IMDB that, it's true). The turtles are those rare occassions where their first movie doesn't suck balls. I have a theory that when a television show gets its first movie, the show ends up sucking after the movie. Look at all the other victims that have fallen to this, Rugrats, Hey Arnold, Pokemon, The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, among many others...but that's for another blog at another time. Even though we shouldn't take villians into account for this battle royal, Shredder was a pretty solid villian. I mean, he was scary looking AND he could back it up...even if he did have the Foot clan. I think the turtles might a lot more strengths than downfalls. Leonardo and Raphael always had that underlying tension with each other, but when it came down to it, they worked great as a team...Raphael better get his head out of his ass if he wants to take down the Rangers with his totally awesome bros. But other than that, these turtles are going strong in this battle royal.

It's morphin tim
e!! The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers are going to weigh in...and I'm talking about JUST the Rangers we grew up on. None of this Hydro Dino Thunder Space Rangers...all that started happening once they got their first movie, which follows my theory. Anyways, the Power Rangers were right up there with the turtles taking on monster after monster. These Rangers were also pretty much ninjas AND they had pretty cool weapons...not ninja weapons though, shit like axes, swords, bow and arrows, and guns...wait, what!? So the Power Rangers have a decent amount of strengths heading into this as well. First of all, every boy, EVERY boy, thought AND knew, that the Pink Ranger was hott. Though it may not be a significant part to this battle royal, Kimberly still has my heart. The Rangers were just one of those shows that you couldn't wait to watch. It was just an awesome show. And NOW, ABC (not even ABC Family, regular ABC) has decided, for some reason, to put The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers on Saturday mornings.....I salute you ABC for being nostalgic and truley important time when Saturday morning cartoons don't exist. The Power Ranger movie was amazing...I mean, c'mon. You have all the things you loved about the show in the movie AND THEN just random people and things you never thought you'd see in the show...Ivan Ooze, that pig bad guy, and Zordon not being a giant head. So where are the Rangers' downfalls? Well, the blue ranger sucked ass...that's for damn sure. And if the Blue Ranger was ever your favorite Power Ranger as a kid, well, then, you are probably gay. At least the show realized that they were being a little racist when they made Trini, the Asian girl, the Yellow Ranger and Zack, the black guy, the Black Ranger. How did they fix that? Welp, when the movie came out they simply just had the black girl be the Yellow Ranger and the Asian guy the Black Ranger. Problem solved. And then there's the all mighty Green Ranger. The Green Ranger was who everyone wanted to be...plain and simple. Everyone wanted that Dragon Dagger, and why wouldn't you?! It was a dagger that played music! Wasn't really any way to play with it other than annoy your parents by playing the same song over and over and over. I think they only way that the Rangers can beat the Turtles in this battle royal is if they have the Green Ranger and the White Ranger in the same room at the same time....if would happen, all the turtles' heads would explode....and probably the Power Ranger's too. So The Green and White Ranger would end up being the winners. But anyways, since we took villians into account for the Turtles, let's do it for the Rangers. Rita Repulsa and Lord Zed...two awesome villians...not to mention you had all Rita's henchmen, like Goldar, who shouldn't have been a bitch in the Power Ranger movie, and who could forget The Putties. The downfalls for the Rangers you may ask? Well, anytime they get hit by someone, sparks fly off of their chests...so that's gotta hurt. And the other downfall for the team...having the Blue Ranger as a part of the team.

So what team is gonna come out on top? The teenage mutants? The mighty morphins? They both had awesome toys, awesome movies, awesome television shows. So, for the first time thus far in the battle royal, this match ends in a draw.






Monday, April 5, 2010

Rodent VS. Rabbit

So you should be able to tell where this match up is going in the Nostalgic Battle Royal based on the title of this entry...THAT'S RIGHT, we're gonna throw Bugs Bunny and Mickey Mouse into a one-on-one match.

Lets take a l
ook at that "wascaly wabbit," known as Bugs Bunny. Bugs Bunny, without a shadow of a doubt, is one of the best cartoon characters ever to be invented. He was quick witted, had an attitude, and always had a plan. Bugs was/is the face of The Looney Tunes. He's the boss, the leader, the poster child. Although some people might consider Daffy, Taz, Tweety, etc. their favorite characters, Bugs Bunny is by default, the best out of the bunch. I mean, look at how many countless goons Bugs has made fools out of, Elmer Fudd, Daffy, Yosemite Sam, Taz...hell, even the three bears and little red riding hood. Everyone has their favorite Bugs Bunny episode or moment, not to mention, you could always be ready to hear Bugs with his "Eh, what's up Doc?" or him taking a wrong turn at Albuquerque or him even dressing in drag. Bugs has a shit load of movies, including my personal favorite Space Jam (which was a good blog read, if you didn't read it, find it here) and Bugs has so many classic episodes from television. Bugs (along with the rest of the crew) are the lead characters of Six Flags...which is a damn cool amusement park. Bugs is also the face of the company WB...which is going to come into play later with his opponent being the face of the company Disney. So what could hurt Bugs in this battle royal? Well, he dressed up in drag way too much...and didn't really get a significant other until Space Jam rolled around. Bugs also has a pretty long list of enemies, which could cause some outside interference in this battle royal. As far as attitude and quick wit, Bugs might come out on top.

Hailing from Disney World, Orlando, Florida...and wherever Disneyland is...Mickey M
ouse enters this battle royal with cuteness and charm...but did you see Mickey on that episode of South Park?? He has a demented side to him...so of course we have to take that into account for this battle royal. But what else does Mickey bring to the table?? Mickey is in the same boat with Bugs, being the face of the company AND his posse. When you think Disney, you think M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E (he has his own song, Bugs doesn't). Mickey has had movies and television episodes...but who really cares?? When's the last time you couldn't wait to watch a Mickey Mouse cartoon/movie? So Mickey doesn't have that many memorable moments in television and film, which causes a big blow to Mickey's ego. But Mickey has a solid group of followers, Minnie, Pluto, Goofy, Donald, Daisy, which helps Mickey out in the long run, because he knows who his friends are...Bugs doesn't. Mickey strikes me as a family man...he's been dating Minnie Mouse for I dunno how long, AND he owns Pluto as a pet (which if I was Pluto, I would be pissed...cause Goofy is a dog, and he's gallivanting around on two legs and talking and not being owned by anybody). Mickey is pretty much considered the CEO of Disney World AND Disneyland...and when you compare Six Flags to Disney...Disney owns the amusement park crown (except Epcot...fuck Epcot). So the mild mannered and meek mouse just might be able to pull this off in the ultimate upset!

So in this life long controversy, who is gonna come out on top?? They may have appeared together on screen together in Who Framed Roger Rabbit, but I could see through their acting...they hated each other. With that being said, along with the always having a plan, having the attitude, and having more memorable moments...Bugs Bunny takes down that red short wearing bitch, Mickey Mouse.


Thursday, April 1, 2010

Beans and Cardboard

So The Munsters beat The Addams Family. Let's keep this Nostalgic Battle Royal rolling (because for once, I actually want to blog daily now)...so for today's match up, I wanna pit two phenomenons against each other...that were allegedly supposed to be worth something by now...today's match up, Beanie Babies VS Pogs

That's right, Beanie Babies...and not just ANY Beanie Baby, I'm talking about the official TY Beanie Babies, you know, the ones that would "only be worth something if they still had that TY tag" What the hell was TY? And why were those tags so important? They were so important, that many people (myself included) got little tag protectors to put over the tags, so they wouldn't get damaged or ripped.....BECAUSE THEN THEY WOULDN'T BE WORTH ANYTHING! OH, and don't forget the actual cases that you could put the Beanie Baby in...and you didn't just put any regular parrot Beanie Baby in those cases, ohhh no, you put the bears in the cases, because THOSE were the important ones...especially that Princess Di bear........yeah, you remember it. So what did you do with Beanie Babies? You didn't play with them...you didn't really trade them...you just, bought them. I remember as a kid, there was one Beanie Baby that I wanted more than any of the others...it was a camel, named Humphrey, and for some fuckin reason, ol' Humphrey, was considered "rare" and was one of the most expensive Beanie Babies.....why? Why?? WHY?! It was a gawd damn camel, IF ANYTHING, that purple platypus should have been the rare one, when the hell did you ever see a purple platypus?! NEVER! But every toy store and Hallmark you walked in to, there he was...not to mention, he had his own McDonald's toy Beanie Baby.....yes, they even invaded McDonald's. So what do the Beanie Babies have going for them entering this battle royal? They invaded McDonald's, they had everyone fooled, and they came with their own cases (which cost extra) to protect them, and I never saw Humphrey in person.

So let's weigh in those circular pieces of cardboard, known as Pogs. Pogs were the shit, plain and simple, and I love hearing older generations talk about their toys, and how
they didn't have much and what not...well guess what, we CHOSE to play with little circle pieces of cardboard, when we OBVIOUSLY had alot better options to play with. Pogs made no sense, what so ever, and they didn't have to. I don't even know how Pogs came to be, they just appeared one day. I don't remember ever seeing a commercial for them...one day, they just showed up. Anyone, anything, and everything could be on a Pog. From The Looney Tunes, to Betty Boop, to a pig with eye balls for legs, ANYTHING could be on a Pog, and it was considered cool. Any Pog with an 8 Ball, skull, flames, peace sign, or ying yang was automatically awesome...and yeah, you might get 3 of the same one, but you put those other 2 in the matches that you played for "keepsies." Pogs, unlike Beanie Babies, had a purpose...whether you just collected them or played with them, they were awesome. Some people just played and kept track of their Pogs, others played to keep their opponents Pogs...if you played for keepsies, you were bold....and a gambler. Then there was the slammers...plastic slammers and metal slammers...and some of those metal slammers, you could break a windshield with, I'm sure of it. The slammers were almost as cool as the actual Pogs. Everyone had their go-to slammer, to use or show off with...mine was the first slammer I ever got...a frog, sitting on an 8 Ball, eating a fly......yes, a frog is kinda girly, but fuck you, there was an 8 ball on it, so it was cool.

So in this round of the battle royal, who is gonna take it? The multi-colored animals known as Beanie Babies OR the multi-colored discs known as Pogs?? You collected them both, you played with one group of them, while the others sat around. Neither of them are worth anything now...except an entry in a blog! I'm pretty sure that this one seemed one sided from the start...so this round goes to Pogs.


Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Nostalgic Battle Royal

So I have decided to have a special event for my blog. I know that I don't blog regularly, so I have decided that for the month of April, I am going to have a special month of blogging about things from my childhood and what not. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not going to be just a random blog about Pokemon (maybe I'll save that for mid-April) but I want to have a couple of blogs that pit two similar things against each other and choose what comes out on top between the two. Get my drift? Think of it as a Nostalgic Battle Royal. So let's get this battle royal under way!! Let's take a look at 2 similar television families...The Addams Family VS. The Munsters


Lets weigh in the family from 1313 Mockingbird Lane. I actually watched a couple of episodes of The Munsters the other day on my Netflix Instant Que on XBox, and I forgot that I actually liked watching this show if it was on when I was younger. For those of you that never saw the show, there was Herman (the father/Frankenstein character), Lily (the mother/bride of Frankenstein), Grandpa (pretty self-explanatory/The Count), Eddie (the son/wolfboy), and finally Marilyn (the cousin...who was considered the freak of the family pretty much). The one thing that I remember about seeing The Munsters as opposed to The Addams Family, the Munsters seemed a little bit more inviting to the outside world and I would like to thank Herman Munster for that. I mean, if you didn't watch the show, Herman was practically a big goof (with an awesome laugh) and might have seemed like he was the one running the household, but I always thought Herman made sure Lily was okay with whatever went down. Most of the time, Herman was pretty oblivious to things that were going on, which in my opinion is a funnier character, not to mention, Herman, along with the entire family were just living their lives and didn't give a shit what people thought about them...or they were just all oblivious to it. One thing that The Addams Family didn't have, was a "freakishly ugly cousin" named Marilyn. Marilyn's looks alone boost The Munsters up in the battle royal. As far as looks go with the rest of The Munsters, they looked like actual monsters, The Addams Family were just a bunch of weird looking goth people...with an ogre butler, a hand, and a hairball cousin. The Munsters never came out with any big movie in the theatres (to my knowledge) but I do remember a television movie at some point in my life with the actual characters from the television show, but I can't remember what it was about or anything...which kinda hurts the Munster clan in this battle royal.


Now let's weigh in the family that's creepy and cookey, The Addams Family. I'm going to be honest right up front, I never watched an episode of the Addams Family. The only thing that I have to go off of are the two movies that they came out with, so that's fair enough, right?? Gomez, Morticia, Pugsley, Wednesday, Uncle Fester, Grandmama, Lurch, Thing, AND Cousin Itt, so right off the bat, The Addams family wins in the numbers game because they not only have more to their kinfolk, I always thought the Addams had cooler characters than The Munsters. Let's start weighing in The Addams Family...they have the theme song...with the snapping fingers, enough said. It seemed like The Addams Family had a shit load of money, especially considering "their house is a museum, when people come to see 'em." I feel if I was in the Addams household, I would have a better chance of breaking something pretty expensive. I don't care what anyone says, I really liked BOTH Addams Family movies, I mean they even had MC Hammer do a song about it...and if there's one thing I've learned, you need to have a shitty rapper sing about an old school television show to make it popular again (let's not forget GO NINJA, GO NINJA, GO!). One of The Addams Family downfalls I think, was Gomez and Morticia's rape fests they would have on each other...right in front of the kids and mixed company...get some manners or some shit.

With The Munsters and Addams Family being pit against each other (based on just simple observations, and not going into full detail about a lot of stuff that you don't want to read about)...For both families busting onto the scene within the SAME year, 1964, I'm going to go ahead and say that The Munsters win against The Addams Family...The Addams Family may have 2 movies under their belts, a shit load of money, and MC Hammer...but I think that The Munsters would be a cooler family to be a part of, and if I wasn't a part of the family...I would at least enjoy hanging out with them, especially Herman...I bet that ol' boy can put away some drinks.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

This poor blog...

I really did want to start blogging religiously. Why the hell can't I discipline myself to write in this thing?? Even if it is about the movie Space Jam, blogging is blogging. I think that's one of my biggest problems...I'm not disciplined in writing. I'm not a set up/punch kind of guy at all. I'm a talker. I recently went out to eat after an open mic with some comedian buddies (Brian Baron and Rob Santos) and it's always good to talk with other comedians about what is going on. It's almost like they are all co-workers at an office and the bar or diner is our water cooler.

It's hard to talk to anyone else outside the world of comedy ABOUT comedy because it's almost just like any other job...you either know what's going on or you don't...and when you find someone outside that, it's hard to make them understand what you're feeling about your set, your shitty show that you just came from, or simply what you want out of doing this.

But after a little chat with Rob and Brian I realized a couple of things...one is, that me and Rob Santos are practically the same person. For those of you that don't know Rob Santos, you need to find him on Facebook or YouTube or even try and find him at one of his shows, because he is one hilarious dude. But Rob Santos is one of those people that is both talented on stage and a genuinely good person off stage. If there is one thing that I've learned from being out here, there are some people that don't have both of those characteristics. Everyone has their own agenda when it comes to this, and I understand that and respect everyone's dedication and plans. But coming from a small town, where everyone acknowledges you when you walk into a bar or store or whatever, I've noticed that there can be a lot less greetings, smiles, and "thank yous" out here..and I'm not just talking in the comedy scene (I love almost everyone that I come into contact with at the clubs) but just here in the city...no one wants to really acknowledge anyone.

But I digress. The one thing that I got out of the conversation with Rob and Brian, is that there are some people in this business that want to see you succeed and then there are other people that want to make sure that they succeed before you. Is that selfish?? I think so. Comedy can be a great thing to be surrounded by. I love it. It's been something that I've wanted to do since 5th grade. There can be some bitter people in this world...but for every one bitter person, there are at least 5 other people that are rooting for you and want to see you evolve, re-write, and succeed...those are the types of people that I want to make sure I continue to surround myself with. My philosophy has always been, every comedian, from whatever walk of life, brings something different to the table. I've said it before, and I'll say it again...everyone is funny in their own way. There are a lot club owners and industry people out here that watch comedians from time to time (which should be a little more often) and there are going to be many times that comedians either get turned down for something or given feedback that they don't want to hear. We all have our off nights...and I think that's what drives a lot of comedians. If you do good, you're addicted. If you bomb, you're addicted. You wanna prove people wrong when they give you the feedback you don't want to hear and you also wanna prove yourself wrong that you can do better.

What am I even talking about?? I don't know. But what I do know is that I'm satisfied with where I am right now in my comedy with a lot of comedian friends that I respect and admire, whether they be male, female, black, white, Asian, straight, gay, married, divorced, etc., we all bring something different to the table and we are all amazing/hilarious people.

Friday, February 19, 2010

It's A Me!

So after talking about the great movie that is known as Space Jam, I figured that I wanted to keep this series up and talk about things from yesteryear. So in this blog, I want to talk about quite possibly one of the worst movies ever created...The Super Mario Brothers Movie.



First of all, if you haven't seen this movie......don't. Now, any one and EVERY one has played the Super Mario Brothers game...whether it be the original, one for the Super Nintendo, Mario Kart, or ANY Mario Party (which has the potential to ruin friendships). A lot of us have grown up on Nintendo and know what the deal is with the Mario Brothers. Two brothers, who are plumbers, who always have to save the Princess from King Koopa (or Bowser). Now, this might just be some nerdom talking, but the only thing that was "Mario-like" about that movie, was the fact that they were called The Mario Brothers. That wasn't Bowser, that wasn't Princess Peach, and that sure as shit wasn't the Mushroom Kingdom. First of all, where is Toad? Where's Yoshi? OH! They're there. But Toad is a regular guy and Yoshi is an actual dinosaur....not a cartoony dinosaur...he's a gawd damned Jurassic Park like dinosaur. And look at the cast...John Leguizamo as Luigi and Dennis Hopper as King Koopa...wow, if only the internet in 1993 was as popular as it is today, we would have had a lot of angry petitions and blogs about how shitty this movie was shaping up to be. Take a look at this random, fan made video I found on YouTube...



Now THAT is Mario! Granted, those are all clips from the various sports games that Mario has played throughout the years, but that is what a Mario movie should look like. That kind of Mario movie would have had all the characteristics and quality of an actual Mario movie. It dumbfounds me that The Mario Brothers hasn't been "rebooted" in some way. But NOOOOOO, let's reboot Spiderman, we just created THAT in 2004, so it's probably about time for a reboot, right? Fuck no.

I think the reason(s) that I am offended at the fact that this movie exists, proves 2 things....1) I am a nerd...and 2) If you're going to make a movie about something that EVERYONE knows what it's about, and knows at least a general idea of what the story is all about, don't make a movie that is the complete opposite of that. That would be like me deciding that I wanted to write a movie about Goldy Locks and The Three Bears....but instead of bears, I used a Jewish family, and gave them the last name "Bear"...or Bearman. Then I decided to put the story in a small town in Atlanta. Then I cast Dakota Fanning as Goldy Locks...and not young Dakota Fanning, I'm talking about the teen sized Dakota Fanning, with her messed up teeth and how she looks like she eats dirt on a constant basis. So after deciding that I wanted to write that movie, I put the name "Goldy Locks and The Three Bears" title on, and BAM! Of course people are going to like it, right?! It's Goldy Locks and The Three Bears....wait, no it isn't...at all.

The Super Mario Brothers movie falls into the same category as that piece of shit movie, The Village. Now don't get me wrong, it was a decent movie, but I remember seeing previews for it and thinking that it was going to be pretty scary...but no, the movie was just marketed that way. I didn't know that the movie was going to be about a bunch of Oakies running around falling in love and being blind...I thought it was going to be about these huge pig monsters that terrorized a village...of a bunch of Oakies.

Well, I think if stand-up doesn't work out for me, I could at least make a living out of blogging about movies (both good and shitty) from yesteryear.