So after talking about the great movie that is known as Space Jam, I figured that I wanted to keep this series up and talk about things from yesteryear. So in this blog, I want to talk about quite possibly one of the worst movies ever created...The Super Mario Brothers Movie.
First of all, if you haven't seen this movie......don't. Now, any one and EVERY one has played the Super Mario Brothers game...whether it be the original, one for the Super Nintendo, Mario Kart, or ANY Mario Party (which has the potential to ruin friendships). A lot of us have grown up on Nintendo and know what the deal is with the Mario Brothers. Two brothers, who are plumbers, who always have to save the Princess from King Koopa (or Bowser). Now, this might just be some nerdom talking, but the only thing that was "Mario-like" about that movie, was the fact that they were called The Mario Brothers. That wasn't Bowser, that wasn't Princess Peach, and that sure as shit wasn't the Mushroom Kingdom. First of all, where is Toad? Where's Yoshi? OH! They're there. But Toad is a regular guy and Yoshi is an actual dinosaur....not a cartoony dinosaur...he's a gawd damned Jurassic Park like dinosaur. And look at the cast...John Leguizamo as Luigi and Dennis Hopper as King Koopa...wow, if only the internet in 1993 was as popular as it is today, we would have had a lot of angry petitions and blogs about how shitty this movie was shaping up to be. Take a look at this random, fan made video I found on YouTube...
Now THAT is Mario! Granted, those are all clips from the various sports games that Mario has played throughout the years, but that is what a Mario movie should look like. That kind of Mario movie would have had all the characteristics and quality of an actual Mario movie. It dumbfounds me that The Mario Brothers hasn't been "rebooted" in some way. But NOOOOOO, let's reboot Spiderman, we just created THAT in 2004, so it's probably about time for a reboot, right? Fuck no.
I think the reason(s) that I am offended at the fact that this movie exists, proves 2 things....1) I am a nerd...and 2) If you're going to make a movie about something that EVERYONE knows what it's about, and knows at least a general idea of what the story is all about, don't make a movie that is the complete opposite of that. That would be like me deciding that I wanted to write a movie about Goldy Locks and The Three Bears....but instead of bears, I used a Jewish family, and gave them the last name "Bear"...or Bearman. Then I decided to put the story in a small town in Atlanta. Then I cast Dakota Fanning as Goldy Locks...and not young Dakota Fanning, I'm talking about the teen sized Dakota Fanning, with her messed up teeth and how she looks like she eats dirt on a constant basis. So after deciding that I wanted to write that movie, I put the name "Goldy Locks and The Three Bears" title on, and BAM! Of course people are going to like it, right?! It's Goldy Locks and The Three Bears....wait, no it isn't...at all.
The Super Mario Brothers movie falls into the same category as that piece of shit movie, The Village. Now don't get me wrong, it was a decent movie, but I remember seeing previews for it and thinking that it was going to be pretty scary...but no, the movie was just marketed that way. I didn't know that the movie was going to be about a bunch of Oakies running around falling in love and being blind...I thought it was going to be about these huge pig monsters that terrorized a village...of a bunch of Oakies.
Well, I think if stand-up doesn't work out for me, I could at least make a living out of blogging about movies (both good and shitty) from yesteryear.