Sunday, December 6, 2009

You Never Forget Your First...

Hello there Adamaniacs, I have something magical to share with you today and as the title says, it has to do with my first...

On Friday, December 4th, 2009, I got my first heckler! Comedy vocab time!!

heckler - noun. A person who yells out while a comedian is on stage. This heckler usually yells out things like, "you suck." Heckler is also a Latin word, meaning asshole.

Alright, now that we have spread some knowledge in this blog, lets get to the action. I was performing at New York Comedy Club for the 10pm show Jeff Lawrence and friends (always a good show with great friends/great comedians) I was scheduled to perform before the headliner, which is usually the same time the checks are being picked up and paid (also known as the check spot) I usually like to perform during the check spot because you don't really have to worry about material and it's a great time to try crowd work, and you can just talk to audience members, because no one is really paying attention because they are paying their check. That night, I chose to do a little bit of material and then crowd work. About 2 minutes into my set, I glance at this girl sitting to my left, and she yells out, outta NO where..."you have a lot going on up here (pointing to her face) which must mean you're pretty small down there (pointing to the dick area)"

Now, first of all.....what? There were a couple of "ohhs" in the audience, but it was mainly confusion because this came out of no where and I said NOTHING to provoke or offend this girl....and I've been saying girl because that's exactly what she was. She had on glasses, looked like she was 13 years old, and at the time I was on stage, I THOUGHT she had braces on. So after I try and think about what I said to piss this GIRL off, I said "listen, I could care less when the next Harry Potter book comes out, and I have no idea what I said to make you yell out." Now on the other side of the stage, there was this drunk whor...I mean, woman. And of course SHE wants me to whip it out too on do I know she wanted me to whip it out? I'm glad you asked, because she yelled out, "come ooooon, take it out!"

But this blog isn't about's about the 13 year old troll that was sitting stage left of me. After I talk about the drunk woman for a bit, I go back to the 13 year old shape shifter and tell her that if she really wants to see my dick, I'll take her in a dark alley after the show and show her, which lead to a random guy yelling out "YEAH!" which I responded with, "that guy can come too and watch"

So needless to say, I tried not to dig into this girl too much, because A) I was completely blindsided by her comment and B) I had to deal with the drunk whore too. But what was really strange was what happened AFTER the show. The flat chested 13 year old girl came up to me after the show and said, "were you the comedian?" which I responded with, "yeah, there were a lot of them in there, were you the girl that yelled out for no reason?" She then tells me to give her one of my cards, and I tell her I don't have any...which is a lie, because I love my little business cards.....she then asks me for my phone number, and I tell her "no, because I don't want to get stabbed by scare me" So she THEN tells me that she wants me to be on her TV show, and hands me her, I'm not going to mention the TV show name, but just know, that when this girl looked into my eyes, I could feel her piercing my soul. I'm pretty sure this "TV show" of hers is done by her high school audio visual aid club, right after she does the morning announcements. Her friend she was with, was carrying two big shopping bags, filled to the brim with shit...what kind of shit? I dunno, crazy shit...I'm pretty sure she was carrying around Beanie Babies or something.

Do you people understand how crazy this whole situation was!? I was dumbfounded from the time this 13 year old anime creature yelled out to the time she handed me her card. Some of the comedians thought that she thought I was cute, which is why her "heckle" said, you have a lot going on up here (in the face)...meaning I was cute...WHAAAAT?! Did anyone else hear the 2nd part of her "heckle?" How is any of that heckle a compliment at all?? I mean shit, if you're going to hide a compliment in a "I bet you have a small dick" comment, then why not just cut straight to the point and say, "hey, I bet you have a small dick, cutie-pie"...and IF this troll was attracted to me, she could have went about this 2 ways, 1) yell out during my set, then piss me off, leading to her getting verbally bashed in a public place or 2) come up to me awkwardly after the show, ask for my number, then get awkwardly shut down in a polite way...because you ain't greater than or equal to my standards of cute.

With that being said, I'm kind of sad that my first heckler was a 13 year old....retarded girl.